A tired credit card

[Laura asked to borrow my credit card for some online shopping. Later that evening she returned it to me.]

Jack (feigning surprise): "Oh, I get it back?"
Laura: "Well, it's all tired and worthless now."

Poor Elliot

[Laura and Kim were putting up lights on the Church's Christmas tree and Kim's son Elliot was standing nearby.]

Laura: "You're not putting up very many lights there, Elliot. What are we paying you anyway?"
Elliot: "Nothing!"
Laura: "Well, we'll be decreasing that!"

Take our kids

[We were eating dinner in a booth at IHOP and we repeatedly had to remind our kids to behave, to stop climbing under the table, to quiet their voices, to stop peering over the barrier at other customers, and to stop kicking whatever it was they were kicking.]

Laura (exasperated): "I'm going to be that person who lodges a complaint against this table!"

Then later:

Laura: "I wonder what they would do with such a complaint...maybe move our kids to another table?"

Then later, when I was figuring out the tip:

Laura: "You should give a tip to all the tables around us for putting up with our kids."

Driving commentary

[Laura, who is depth-perception-challenged, cannot stand it when I'm driving through stop-and-go traffic and have to pull in tightly behind another car. I don't brake soon enough for her liking and that leads to a running commentary on my driving.]

Laura (reaching down to slide her seat back as far as it will go): "I'm just trying to get further away from the cars ahead of us."

Sea to Sea bike tour

[Earlier that day we were talking about the Sea to Sea bike tour, where people pedalled their bikes across the country to raise money for poverty. They travelled about 3,900 miles, from the Pacific Ocean to the Atlantic Ocean in 9 weeks of biking, sometimes covering over 100 miles in one day. Most of the riders lost weight; one person lost 26 pounds.]

Laura (patting my stomach): I'm going to sign you up for the "Sea to Sea and Back" tour!

If you see one leg pointing up out of the sand...

[I was sick at home for a couple days and sitting on the couch feeling tired.]

Laura (jokingly): "Want me to carry you downstairs?"
Jack (holding his arms out): "Sure, carry me!"

[Laura makes a heroic but doomed attempt to lift me up off the couch.]

Jack: "What would you do if we were alone in a desert and I was bitten by a snake and couldn't walk?"
Laura: "I'd just cover you up with sand so you wouldn't get sunburned while I went to get help."
Jack: "How would you find me again if I'm covered with sand?"
Laura: "I would leave one leg pointing up in the air."
Jack: "Gee, thanks."

Weekend plans

Jack: "I might have to work a little this weekend."
Laura: "I might schedule a nervous breakdown this weekend. So we'll both have something to do."

Laura's notion of being a manager

Laura: "How's your bug list coming?"
Jack: "Okay. I'm down to 9 bugs."
Laura: "Does anyone look at it? Is there a guy with a whiteboard somewhere with a list of bugs under your name?"
Jack: "No, it's all online. And yes, the directors and managers watch the bug list carefully. If it gets too big they call you in to talk to you."
Laura: "Do they talk with their fists?"
Jack: "You know, I think you would like being a manager."
Laura: "I would! But the power would totally go to my head. Do they have any openings? Do I have to, you know, have any ... experience or anything?"

Privacy policy

Laura [throwing away some mail]: "This is just the privacy policy: 'We know you have rights...and we don't care.' "

Disneyland

[We were sitting on the edge of a nice fountain in Disneyland and Brianna noticed lots of pennies in the water.]

Brianna: "Why are there so many pennies in the water?"
Laura: "People throw them in."
Brianna: "What happens when you throw in a penny?"
Laura: "Nothing. You lose a penny."

[Later, after a long hot day of walking around Disneyland, we had a short rest and bathroom break.]

Laura: "Well, that felt good. I could go for another ... 10 minutes."

The Talk

[The radio news on NPR was talking about the rate of condom use among teenagers and ended with a suggestion that parents talk to their kids about sex.]

Laura: "Would you like me to talk to you about sex, Dear?"
Jack (thinking this could be interesting): "Yeah, talk to me about sex."
Laura: "Don't do it."

The weather in Seattle

Laura: The weather in Seattle is either "dark and rainy", or .... not.

Hiding the Fritos

[Laura bought some groceries earlier in the day.]

Jack: So, did you buy some more Fritos?
Laura: I can't tell you that.
Jack: Oh, goody! Thanks, Dear.
Laura: I should hide them. Maybe in the raisin container...
Jack: You're the one who doesn't like raisins.
Laura: Yes, but you'd never think to look there for chips.
Jack: Now I do.
Laura: Dang it!

Mother's Day

[Laura bought two Mother's Day cards. One was funny and one was sentimental.]

Laura: "You get to choose your favorite for your mom. Just don't choose the one I want."

Wait until it's safe

[We were watching the "Man vs Wild" TV show for the first time. It's about this guy who puts himself in the middle of the wild areas of Africa or Australia without any supplies and has to survive on his wits. To add to the drama he describes all the dangers that he comes across in gory detail, like getting trampled by a rhinoceros or being pulled under water by an alligator.]

Wild man on TV: "Tourists love to visit Australia, but every year 70 people die from wild animal attacks."

Laura: "I think I"ll go after they've said they've had their 70 people."

Another day for a stay-at-home mom

[Going to bed one night, I was looking forward to the next day because Google would make a big announcement regarding the project I was working on.]

Jack: Tomorrow's a big day.
Laura: For who?
Jack: For me.
Laura: Oh. It's the "same old, same old" for me. I'll do a little laundry, maybe do the floors....but at least I'm up to the challenge...

Waking up the roosters

[I was checking the alarm one night and was wondering why it was set so early.]

Jack: Oh, that's right, I had to get up early for a business trip.
Laura: Yeah, that was early. When you got up I heard some roosters going "huh?".

I'm not controlling!

[We were observing how our 6-year-old Brianna can be bossy sometimes to 3-year-old Jason.]

Laura: She can be kind of 'controlling'.
Jack: Sort of like her mother?
Laura: I'm not controlling.
Jack: [grins]
Laura: I'm not controlling! [whack] Say it!

To "blunt" someone

[I snuck up behind Laura to tickle her while she was working the menus on the Nintendo Wii and she spun around holding the Nintendo Wii remote...]

Laura: "You better watch out, I have a blunt instrument and I'm going to, uh, ... blunt you!"
Jack: "There's no such verb 'to blunt someone'."
Laura: "Yeah, that's what you'll be telling yourself when you're lying on the floor!"

Don't be stupid

[I was about to cut Laura a piece of chocolate cake ...]

Jack: "How big a piece do you want?"

Laura: "Surprise me." (And then she added, "But don't be stupid.")

Kicking water

[After being amazed by the water acrobatics of the Cirque Du Soleil show "O":]

Laura: "It's a good thing I didn't choreograph that show. Or there would be a lot of people standing around kicking water..."