Beauty Sleep

Jack: "Oh, it's late.  I need my beauty sleep."
Laura: "Me too....but less than you."
Jack: "Hey!"

It's never the woman's fault

[Laura was driving pretty fast approaching a tight curve in the road.]

Jack: Not too fast, dear...
Laura: You shouldn't say, "Not too fast"; you should say, "The road isn't straight enough."

Territorial diplomacy in a hotel bed

[We had to share a small hotel bed and we had a lot less space than the king-size bed that we're used to at home.]

Jack: "We're both going to have to try to get along."
Laura: "But one of us should try harder than the other."

The opposite of "clingy"

Laura: "Brianna seems to be a bit 'clingy' this morning..."
Jack: "Hormones?"
Laura: "Maybe.  But I don't remember being clingy to my mom when I was a kid.  Ever.  I probably made my own bottles."

Her "alleged" snoring makes me "perjure her"

[At 5 am, Jack touches Laura's shoulder until she wakes up.]

Laura: "Huh? What?"
Jack: "You're snoring."
Laura: "Are you sure?"
Jack: "Yes, dear. I'm sure.  Why do you always ask 'Are you sure?' "
Laura: "I didn't hear it."
Jack: "That's because you were asleep."
Laura: "You should at least use the word 'alleged'. You don't want to perjure someone."

Cold feet

[Laura was uncharacteristically wrapped up in layers of blankets one night when I crawled into bed.]

Jack: You're nice and warm...
Laura: I feel so cold.  I even have socks on my feet!
Jack: I hope you're not getting sick.
Laura: No, sometimes cold feet are just cold feet.

The big red eyes on the ceiling

[We got a new alarm clock for Christmas that projects the time in big red digits onto the ceiling at night.]

Laura: I feel like that big clock is staring at me, judging me.
Jack: You're anthropomorphizing again.
Laura: You know, you should stop using big words and use simple ones, like 'You're right.'!

Reading between the whines

[Over the Christmas holidays I had a chance to stay home and see family behavior that I normally miss.]

Jason: I'm hungry.
Laura: I'm sorry.
(Jason walks away. Jack and Grandma look shocked.)
Laura: He just wants to snack. If he were really hungry he'd be rolling on the floor pretending to be dying of hunger.  You've got to learn to read between the whines.