tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-69921092024-03-13T09:38:39.035-07:00Funny things my wife saidMy wife Laura is one of the most spontaneous and expressive friends I have the pleasure of knowing. She constantly spouts many outrageously funny sayings, seemingly unintentionally. Here are some of the things she has said that I managed to write down before she tackled me.
Some background information: Laura is not quite 5 feet tall and works hard at home being a mom to Brianna and Jason.Jackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15321182975827160333noreply@blogger.comBlogger218125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6992109.post-59860441946793403932014-06-15T21:01:00.000-07:002014-06-25T11:00:14.453-07:00Morse code punches[On Saturday morning, Laura often hints that she would like me to go out and get her a coffee from Starbucks. This despite the fact that she already has a homemade coffee in her hand. But I've learned not to toy with her...]<br />
<br />
Laura: "You know what would be fun?"<br />
Jack (playing dumb): "Um, I dunno, playing video games all day long...?"<br />
Laura (giving me the evil eye): "You know what would be fun?"<br />
Jack: "Hmm, I give up. Can you give me a hint?"<br />
Laura makes hand gestures, acting out my part: driving to Starbucks, buying a coffee, and bringing it home.<br />
Jack (still playing dumb): "I don't understand. Can you make it more clear?"<br />
Laura (punching her fists in the air): "Come closer and I'll punch it out in Morse code!<br />
G-E-T M-E A C-O-F-F-E-E!"Jackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15321182975827160333noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6992109.post-10846698521901385172014-06-03T10:32:00.003-07:002014-06-03T10:32:59.973-07:00Flag Football For 3rd-graders[We were watching our 9-year-old son play back-to-back games of flag football with other 3rd-graders. If you've ever seen 9-year-olds playing flag football, you know that this is a sport that only parents would ever spectate.]<br />
<br />
Jason: I'm out of water.<br />
Laura: Have some of Dad's Dr. Pepper.<br />
Jack: So you're actually letting Jason have caffeine now, eh?<br />
Laura: Well, maybe that will make him play better. And, you know, there could be scouts watching...<br />
<br />Jackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15321182975827160333noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6992109.post-87873483495297246772014-05-28T07:10:00.000-07:002014-05-28T10:23:16.786-07:00If My Wife Interviewed Software Engineers[It was a late night and I mentioned that I had to interview someone for Ooyala in the morning...]<br />
<br />
Laura: I could do the interview for you. I'd be a good interviewer.<br />
Jack: Yeah, what questions would you ask?<br />
Laura: I would start out with, "How long have you owned a computer?"<br />
Jack: Really?<br />
Laura: It's relevant. Then I would ask, "How fast can you type?"<br />
Jack: You know what the penalty for being silly is? Tickling!<br />
Laura: And then I would get out the calculator and we'd do some math.<br />
Jack: (more tickling)<br />
Laura (swatting Jack's hands): "I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 50. What is it?"<br />
Jack: (more tickling).<br />
Laura: And then if he got past all those questions I would ask, "If you could be any animal you wanted, which one would it be?"<br />
Jack: (giving up) Oy, oy, oy.<br />
Laura: Because, you know, if he said, "A bear" then you probably wouldn't want to work with him.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Jackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15321182975827160333noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6992109.post-30934531465911293662014-03-11T08:21:00.001-07:002014-03-11T08:21:14.155-07:00Extremely time-sensitive mail[We were leaving the house to take the dog for a walk when Laura noticed there was a stack of mail in our mail slot. She picked it up and started to look through it. Our dog Chloe was straining on her leash.]<br />
<br />
Jack: "Don't you want to wait until we get back to pick up the mail?"<br />
Laura: "Yes, but I was just checking to see if there was any time-sensitive material."<br />
<br />Jackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15321182975827160333noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6992109.post-62730595243150815082014-03-03T19:46:00.000-08:002014-03-03T19:46:37.057-08:00A Mother's job is never easy[Laura works hard as a Mom, carting kids around, dealing with tantrums, and making sure they get their homework done. One night after I left work early to help cart kids around, and then helped them with homework, Laura turned to look at me:]<br />
<br />
Laura: "Want to trade jobs with me?"<br />
Jack (thinking: if I say no, I might unintentionally denigrate her work, but if I say yes, she'll know I'm lying): "Um..."<br />
Laura (waiting): "Yeah, I'd like to see how you spin this..."<br />
Jack (thinking hard): "I could never fill your shoes, Dear."<br />
Laura: "And he did it. Good answer."<br />
<br />Jackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15321182975827160333noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6992109.post-58823015755728408072014-02-13T08:48:00.000-08:002014-02-13T08:48:15.522-08:00Spousal feedback[At work, we sometimes do "peer reviews" where we give honest feedback to our peers about what they are doing well and what they could improve on. Laura had a typical reaction to this.]<br />
<br />
Laura: Maybe you could "peer review" me ... but it better be positive ... or I'll punch you!<br />
<br />Jackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15321182975827160333noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6992109.post-69518953032044559902014-02-02T08:46:00.001-08:002014-02-04T08:47:40.163-08:00Colicky babiesWhenever our kids misbehave, they're "my kids". Sometimes, if Laura is feeling generous enough to not blame their behavior entirely on me, the conversation might go something like this:<br />
<br />
Laura: "Where did we get these kids?"<br />
Jack: "Well, I know where one of them came from. I was there in the delivery room when the baby came out."<br />
Laura: "Yes, but you didn't actually watch it come out!"<br />
Jack: "I didn't want to faint."<br />
Laura: "So you have no proof!"<br />
Jack: "But there's only one place it could have come from."<br />
Laura: "What if the doctor pulled a baby out of his pocket?"<br />
Jack: "Sure, that's plausible."<br />
Laura: "You never know. They have to do something with those colicky babies!"Jackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15321182975827160333noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6992109.post-72101320910433983482013-09-18T21:27:00.000-07:002013-09-18T21:27:08.491-07:00Is that something sparkly?<b>Jack</b>: Some people at work are calling me "Darth Veenstra" when I play Bridge with them.<br />
<br />
<b>Laura</b>: Isn't "Darth" from "Star Wars"?<br />
<br />
<b>Jack</b>: Yes, but they think I'm evil and powerful when it comes to cards because I can figure out what cards they are holding and sometimes I will taunt them when I know that a finesse will win or that they are squeezed and have to discard a good card.<br />
<br />
<b>Laura</b>: But you can't really know what cards other people have, can you?<br />
<br />
<b>Jack</b>: Yes, that's what makes Bridge such a great game. You can see half the deck at the beginning and you can make deductions from the cards they play and from the bidding.<br />
<br />
<b>Laura</b>: Not all of us can remember all the cards that are played, you know.<br />
<br />
<b>Jack</b>: I can't remember all the cards either, but I can usually remember more than the other players, so they think I'm a lot more dangerous than I am.<br />
<br />
<b>Laura</b>: You know that game where a group of people take turns introducing themselves and they say one thing they like. Well, after a few people, I see something sparkly and I forget all their names!<br />
<br />
<b>Jack</b>: Yeah, we all have a hard time remembering names.<br />
<br />
<b>Laura</b>: Yes, but one thing you don't realize is that I secretly put your name on the back of all your shirts. So I can say, "Good morning....[cranes her neck to look behind me]...Jack. And you like...[looks behind me again]...dogs!"<br />
<br />Jackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15321182975827160333noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6992109.post-87346867917293878802013-04-16T07:50:00.000-07:002013-04-16T07:50:26.127-07:00Everything's a CompetitionLaura: Hey Jack, guess what day it is tomorrow? .... My anniversary!<br />
Jack: I know, it's mine too. (What a coincidence!)<br />
Laura: But it's mostly mine.Jackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15321182975827160333noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6992109.post-14692783696195248322013-01-14T17:47:00.003-08:002013-01-14T17:47:56.856-08:00My wife, "Knuckles"[I forgot to return a call from Laura and after a while she called me back. I stepped out onto the balcony to talk to her.]<br />
<br />
<b>Laura</b>: I can't believe you forgot to call me back!<br />
<b>Jack</b>: Yeah, I'm sorry. But you know... I was, um, just reaching into my pocket to get my cell phone when you called.<br />
<b>Laura</b>: You're such a fibber! You better watch it: you're on a balcony so it would be really easy for God to strike you with lightning!<br />
<b>Jack</b>: Okay, maybe I thought of calling you just after my phone rang...<br />
<b>Laura</b>: It's a good thing my nickname isn't "Knuckles" or you would be in for quite a beating!<br />
<br />Jackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15321182975827160333noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6992109.post-30979408414652813802012-12-08T10:21:00.001-08:002012-12-08T10:21:29.940-08:00I've got a finger for you...[Laura showed Jack a generous Christmas check from her mom.]<br />
<br />
Jack: That's really nice. Hmm, what can I buy with that?<br />
Laura: It says, "For Laura's coffee habit."<br />
Jack: No, I think it says, "For Jack's robot hands."<br />
Laura: Ha, you don't even get a robot finger. But if you did, I can tell you what finger it would be!<br />
<br />
<br />Jackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15321182975827160333noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6992109.post-68170619108797702322012-12-02T09:03:00.000-08:002012-12-02T09:03:11.822-08:00Beatings, beatingsBrianna: Dad, can you butter my waffles please?<br />
Dad: What? You know how to butter your waffles. You do it every morning.<br />
Brianna: Yes, but you helped Jason with the microwave.<br />
Dad: Ah, so you're jealous of me helping Jason...<br />
Laura: Shall I beat on her?<br />
Dad: Violence is not the answer to everything, Dear.<br />
Laura: I'll beat on you next.<br />
<br />
<br />Jackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15321182975827160333noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6992109.post-90714612194894816032012-06-29T06:55:00.002-07:002012-06-29T06:55:44.024-07:00You should mean it when you lie to me[I was sneaking out of bed early one morning because I couldn't sleep.]<br />
<br />
Laura: Why are you getting up?<br />
Jack: You're awake?<br />
Laura: Yeah, why are you getting up so early?<br />
Jack: I couldn't sleep, thinking about stuff.<br />
Laura: Thinking about me?<br />
Jack: Um, yeah. You, and chess puzzles, and work. (Not necessarily in that order.)<br />
Laura: You sure know how to woo your wife.<br />
Jack: I'm going to sneak downstairs now.<br />
Laura: To write me a love note?<br />
Jack: Um, yeah ... love note.<br />
Laura: You know, you're no longer my favorite person in the room.<br />
Jack: Why not, I answered correctly, didn't I?<br />
Laura: Yes, but you should mean it when you lie to me.Jackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15321182975827160333noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6992109.post-46228860838918950732012-06-03T08:21:00.000-07:002012-06-03T08:21:56.076-07:00Impatience<br />
[Brianna nagging Laura to let her buy another song on iTunes.]<br />
<br />
Laura: Just a second. You've got to be patient. You've done nothing but ... not be patient.<br />
Jack: You put a lot of negatives in that sentence.<br />
Laura: I wanted to make sure that she got it.<br />Jackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15321182975827160333noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6992109.post-64696758058174652482012-05-16T12:46:00.001-07:002012-05-16T12:46:32.311-07:00"What would your mother say?"Whenever Laura does not approve of something I do, she scolds me with "What would your mother say?". Or she threatens me with, "I'm telling your mama!" Or in some cases, both.<br />
<br />
Me (weighing myself on the scale): Oh, that's not good.<br />
Laura: What?<br />
Me: I guess I should stop eating all those peanut M&M's at work...<br />
Laura: Jackson! What would your mother say?!<br />
Me: Probably something like, "You're going to share that bowl with your whole team, right?"<br />
Laura: I'm telling your mama!<br />
<br />Jackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15321182975827160333noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6992109.post-7117197629893643062012-04-19T23:16:00.000-07:002012-04-19T23:16:30.970-07:00At least she would crack the windows open...[Laura and I were planning to go out for dinner for our anniversary and the kids were looking forward to a babysitter or play date.]<br />
<br />
Jason: "So do we get to over to the Lindemulders?"<br />
Laura: "No, we're just going to crack the windows in the car."<br />
<br />Jackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15321182975827160333noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6992109.post-76160956421839911402012-03-11T15:32:00.000-07:002012-03-11T15:32:39.170-07:00Spare the rod[Grandma Nell came to visit and brought along a couple games for the kids.]<br />
<br />
Grandma: Hey kids, I have a new game to play...<br />
Laura (interrupting): Yeah, it's called, "Beat the children, spare the rod."<br />
<br />Jackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15321182975827160333noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6992109.post-14110057571344300702011-07-03T08:38:00.001-07:002011-07-03T08:38:59.041-07:00Beauty SleepJack: "Oh, it's late. I need my beauty sleep."<br />
Laura: "Me too....but less than you."<br />
Jack: "Hey!"Jackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15321182975827160333noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6992109.post-69429353241190595752011-06-19T15:49:00.000-07:002011-06-19T15:49:54.961-07:00It's never the woman's fault[Laura was driving pretty fast approaching a tight curve in the road.]<br />
<br />
Jack: Not too fast, dear...<br />
Laura: You shouldn't say, "Not too fast"; you should say, "The road isn't straight enough."Jackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15321182975827160333noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6992109.post-22279051552446471272011-06-19T07:45:00.000-07:002011-06-19T07:45:02.956-07:00Territorial diplomacy in a hotel bed[We had to share a small hotel bed and we had a lot less space than the king-size bed that we're used to at home.]<br />
<br />
Jack: "We're both going to have to try to get along."<br />
Laura: "But one of us should try harder than the other."Jackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15321182975827160333noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6992109.post-61788663226328772222011-05-22T08:41:00.000-07:002011-05-22T08:41:10.988-07:00The opposite of "clingy"Laura: "Brianna seems to be a bit 'clingy' this morning..."<br />
Jack: "Hormones?"<br />
Laura: "Maybe. But I don't remember being clingy to my mom when I was a kid. Ever. I probably made my own bottles."Jackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15321182975827160333noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6992109.post-24486440126010450212011-04-12T07:36:00.000-07:002011-04-13T17:05:18.985-07:00Her "alleged" snoring makes me "perjure her"[At 5 am, Jack touches Laura's shoulder until she wakes up.]<br />
<br />
Laura: "Huh? What?"<br />
Jack: "You're snoring."<br />
Laura: "Are you sure?"<br />
Jack: "Yes, dear. I'm sure. Why do you always ask 'Are you sure?' "<br />
Laura: "I didn't hear it."<br />
Jack: "That's because you were asleep."<br />
Laura: "You should at least use the word 'alleged'. You don't want to perjure someone."Jackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15321182975827160333noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6992109.post-47288451417764639212011-01-29T09:01:00.000-08:002011-01-29T09:01:27.564-08:00Cold feet[Laura was uncharacteristically wrapped up in layers of blankets one night when I crawled into bed.]<br />
<br />
Jack: You're nice and warm...<br />
Laura: I feel so cold. I even have socks on my feet!<br />
Jack: I hope you're not getting sick.<br />
Laura: No, sometimes cold feet are just cold feet.Jackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15321182975827160333noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6992109.post-48374952944928543162011-01-06T16:43:00.000-08:002011-01-06T16:43:07.902-08:00The big red eyes on the ceiling[We got a new alarm clock for Christmas that projects the time in big red digits onto the ceiling at night.]<br />
<br />
Laura: I feel like that big clock is staring at me, judging me.<br />
Jack: You're anthropomorphizing again.<br />
Laura: You know, you should stop using big words and use simple ones, like 'You're right.'!Jackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15321182975827160333noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6992109.post-49281772212453266772011-01-06T16:22:00.000-08:002011-01-06T16:22:12.925-08:00Reading between the whines[Over the Christmas holidays I had a chance to stay home and see family behavior that I normally miss.]<br />
<br />
Jason: I'm hungry.<br />
Laura: I'm sorry.<br />
(Jason walks away. Jack and Grandma look shocked.)<br />
Laura: He just wants to snack. If he were really hungry he'd be rolling on the floor pretending to be dying of hunger. You've got to learn to read between the whines.Jackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15321182975827160333noreply@blogger.com0