Denial

[After a light-hearted back-and-forth in which Laura protested my implication that 4-year-old Brianna inherited some of Laura's expressive nature.]

Jack: If your conscience is bothering you, maybe you should listen to it.
Laura: My conscience knows better than to bother me!

Laura, the featured speaker

Jack (talking to Laura on the phone): "I was hoping to stay late tonight. There's a really good talk at 7pm that I would like to hear."
Laura: "What's the talk about?"
Jack: "It's on 'Data Visualization' by Edward Tufte."
Laura: "I was going to give that exact same talk here at home at 6:30pm!"
Jack: "Oh, so I might as well come home then..."
Laura: "And after that talk, I'm giving another one called 'How to lie'."

My humble wife

Jack (looking at Laura's pedometer): "You have over 12,000 steps."
Laura: "I know. I rock!"
Jack: "What happened to that humble, modest wife that I married?"
Laura: "She rocks too!"

Nova doesn't teach that...

Jack: "Anything good on Tivo?"
Laura: "I saved a Nova for you."
Jack: "Will you watch it with me?"
Laura: (frowning) "uhhh..."
Jack: "C'mon...it'll make you smarter..."
Laura: "What do I need to be smarter for? So I can hide better from the kids?"

How cute?

Jack: "You're pretty cute."
Laura: "Pretty cute?"
Jack: "You're very cute."
Laura: (Pat, pat) "You're very smart."

Protesting my posts

Laura, noticing that I had written down something and trying to grab it: "I didn't say that!"
Jack: "You haven't even read it!"
Laura: "You're so hung up on logistics."

How many coffees a day does one need?

Jack (teasing Laura): "Oh I see you're making youreself a coffee. I guess I don't need to get you one from Starbucks then."
Laura, apparently speechless for a moment: "I'm wondering exactly how I should kill you."

Souvenirs from London

[Speaking to Laura on the phone when I was in London]

Laura: Did you get me a cute British guard yet?
Jack: No, dear, it's not that easy to take home a British guard.
Laura: What about one of their red hats then? You could at least steal one of their hats. I mean, how fast can they run?
Jack: Well, I don't want to go to jail.
Laura: Don't you love me?
Jack: It's because I love you that I don't want to go to jail. Because then I wouldn't get to see you as much.
Laura: What do you mean "as much"?

[Addendum: I showed this post to my wife and her reaction was:]

Laura: "As much"? I don't get it.
Jack: What do you mean you don't get it? You were questioning my assumption that you would visit me in jail. So "as much" should be "at all". You said this just a few days ago.
Laura: Honey, I don't remember the things I say. That's your job.

Petitions

Laura: What are those signing things, you know those sheets of paper that people sign?
Jack: You mean "petitions"?
Laura: Yeah, sometimes Jason and I do petitions. You know, like "Should we go get coffee?". And they are usually unanimous. Because, you know, I sign Jason's name.

Phone ramblings

Laura often calls me when she's bored and I've learned to give the correct answers to her questions:

Jack: Hi Sweetie.
Laura: Are you missing me?
Jack: A whole bunch.
Laura: Good answer. I won't have to change the locks...

Later, when she's ready to hang up:

Laura: Well, I can't just stand around all day and verbally spar with you...
Jack: You often do...
Laura: Bite me. Oh, see, I did have another minute to talk...

Sunday naps

Laura: You can take a nap now if you want.
Jack: No, I'm okay.
Laura: But you didn't get a nap today.
Jack: Well, I kind of dozed in the comfy chair while the kids ran around screaming.
Laura: Huh. Usually you're upstairs in bed asleep by the time I say "You can...[take a nap]"

And you thought childbirth was painful...

One day Laura exicitedly pointed to an ad in the paper for surrogate mothers.

Laura: Look at this! [tap, tap] $22,000 for having a baby. I could do that!
Jack: [laughing] Sweetie, you said you'd never want to do that again when you had Brianna.
Laura: But look: $22,000! [tap, tap, tap]

Later that day Laura was talking about how having a baby stretches the body and muscles and so on.

Jack: And you wanted to have another baby earlier today...
Laura: For $22,000? Yeah, I'd have a baby rhino.

London trip

I called home to tell my wife that I was going to London on a business trip.

Jack: Hi Sweetie. Guess what? I'm going to London!
Laura: You better bring me back something nice, like a cute British guard. And make sure he has his hat. Which kid do you think you'll take with you?
Jack: Ha ha.
Laura: You think I'm joking. Just imagine holding Jason on your lap for 15 hours on the plane.
Jack: Sweetie, I just called to ask you for my passport number.
Laura: 1-800-nuh-uh.
Jack: What am I going to do with you?
Laura: Bring me along. And leave the kids.
Jack: Don't worry, Dear, I'll send you a postcard. [chuckle]
Laura: That's it! I'm going to shred your passport. Here Jason: munch, munch!

Later, I had to call back to get the expiration date.

Jack: Hi Sweetie, I also need the expiration date.
Laura: March 13, 2007.
Jack: So that means I need to return back home by March 12?
Laura: You're gonna get a butt-kicking!

A body like a twinkie

We've been trying to lose weight and sometimes Laura pokes fun at my soft belly. One time when she told me that I needed to bring some papers to church and give them to John, she jokingly added:

Laura [joking]: "...or he'll beat you up."
Jack [playing along]: "Well, he's a pretty big guy."
Laura: "Yeah, I know. He could snap you like a ... twinkie!"

Laura couldn't stop laughing at her joke, so I decided to write it down. When she realized this, she said:

Laura: "That's not funny."
Jack: "You laughed pretty hard."
Laura: "I laugh because I'm hysterical."

Lights out

One night at bedtime Laura was standing right next to the bed when I turned out the lights and it suddenly became completely black. The next thing I heard was,

Laura: "Oh man, I don't know where I am!"

Jack: [waiting his turn for the bathroom]
Laura [teasing]: Are you waiting for me? I might be here a long time. Maybe I want to contemplate the universe.
Jack: [walking away]
Laura: I'm done.
Jack: That was quick. You contemplated the universe already?
Laura: Well, someone already did it.
Jack: How do you know?
Laura: When you've contemplated the universe you know these things.

Money talk

Jack: Some people think we have a lot of money just because I work at Google.
Laura: I wouldn't say we have a lot of money... more than a poodle ... but less than Bill Gates.
Jack: More than a poodle but less than Bill Gates? That's a pretty wide range, dear.
Laura: Well, ya know, I don't like to be wrong.

Subliminal phone messages

Laura was afraid to ask an awkward favor of a friend so she wanted me to do it. I tried phoning them but they weren't home.

Jack: "I called them but they weren't home."
Laura: "Did you leave any subliminal messages?"

Bribe attempts

Laura often adds "I'll give you a dollar..." to requests for favors (and yet somehow I've never received any of those promised dollars). Sometimes when Jason (who is 10 months old) is crying she will promise him a college education if he stops crying. (Maybe he doesn't realize yet how expensive college will be when he grows up because he never goes for that deal.) But my favorite one was the time Jason was screaming because he was hungry and Laura was making a bottle as quickly as she could while trying to calm him down:

Jason: [crying]
Laura [busy making a bottle]: What if I agree to hurry?

Bedtime for rugrats

I was working late at the office one night when Laura called and described the chaos the kids were creating.

Laura: I'm ready to have some time for myself.
Jack: Well, it's already their bedtime.
Laura: I know. I haven't even taken them upstairs yet. I was hoping to just get a dart gun and they would fall asleep right where they are.

My laughter clues Laura that I'm writing that down and when I read it back to her, she says:

Laura: No, I said something like: 'Those little angels. I really love my job. And I would never use a dart gun.'

Camping

Laura hates to camp but does it once a year because she is a counselor for a girls club at church called GEMS. She had just returned from the annual weekend camping trip.

Jack: "It's good to have you back home."
Laura: "It's very, very, very, very nice to be home. I might have used a few less 'very's if it had been a spa instead of a camping trip."

My short little life

When Laura is spooked (which doesn't take much), she likes to say: "I saw my short little life flash before my eyes!" (which is funny because Laura is short.)

I'd like to thank all the little people...

When Laura worked at a preschool, she would pretend to accept an award and say (amidst all the chaos of 4-year-olds running around): "I'd like to thank all the little people who made this possible..."

Never, ever wrong

Jack: "I can't find my pen."
Laura: "I think I saw it in the car."
Jack (coming back in from the garage): "My honey was right."
Laura: "When am I ever wrong? Ever. Yeah, think carefully."

All of our friends changed their names!

Laura (very tired, trying to read the church phone directory that was lying on the kitchen table): "Oh boy, I don't recognize any of these names.... Oh, it's upside-down."

Desperate Housewives

[This is probably only funny if you know the TV show "Desperate Housewives"]

Laura: That Terri Hatcher is skinny!
Jack: I saw her on the cover of a magazine at Safeway today.
Laura: It must not have been much of a 'cover'. She wouldn't fill half of it.
Jack: Well, you know, they can zoom in on her when they take the picture and fill the frame.
Laura: Even zooming in, she's so skinny she would only fill 2/3 of it!

Wallerin'

Laura: Jason was just sitting around wallerin' on the floor while I was talking on the phone today...
Jack (not hearing the rest of what Laura said): Wallerin....hmm. Interesting word. How do you spell 'wallerin'?
Laura: W -- I'm gonna whup you.

Bored in the hospital

[Laura was stuck in the hospital again with our sick 6-month-old Jason for a few days and was more than ready to come home.]

Laura: The doctors expect Jason to be ready to go home on Thursday or Friday.
Jack: The school auction is Saturday night. You should definitely be out of the hospital by then.
Laura: If I'm not, you're going to tunnel me out with a spoon. And you better not get a plastic spoon. And I'm on the second floor. So you better get cracking.

Coffee, and more coffee

[After a long, hard night holding a sick baby.]

Jack: You didn't get much sleep last night. How are you going to survive?
Laura: See this coffee? Four of its best friends are going to visit me today.

Preschool application

[Laura was filling out a pre-kindergarten application and was perplexed at one of the questions.]

Laura: Look at this question: 'How does your child use his/her leisure time?' What would you say? 'Driving me crazy, ruining our stuff, and just having a bad attitude'?

That goes unsaid

Jack: You look pretty tired this morning. You should treat yourself to a Starbucks coffee.
Laura: That goes unsaid.

If you like these...

If you like these posts, you'll probably get a kick out of another blog I started that chronicles the funny things my kids said. (Currently only the 3-year old can talk, but I expect our 6-month old to generate some laughable quotes when his time comes.)

http://veenstra-kids.blogspot.com/

Four-course meal

Jack (proud of himself for getting into work early and coming home early): I came home early today.
Laura (wanting to share in the joy): Yeah, and I cooked a four-course meal!
Jack (thinking of the cream-of-wheat and peas they had for dinner but not wanting to sound critical): Was it four?
Laura: Well, there were four bowls on the table...if you count the tub of butter.

Pacifier attendant

[After Laura got up to calm Jason by reinserting his pacifier:]

Jack: "Don't you feel like a pacifier attendant?"
Laura: "Yeah, the pay is terrible and the benefits suck. Literally."

Minicoopers

Laura: "I like those Minicoopers. I want one of them. After our kids are grown up, I'm going to trade in our minivan for a minicooper. Then when our kids drop off their kids and say, 'Raise them', I'll be able to say, 'Sorry, all I have is this minicooper now.'"

Investing with Laura

Jack (filling out a form): "Hey sweetie, do you want to be a 'Joint Tenant with Rights of Survivorship' and get all my money when I die?"
Laura: "Isn't there anything better? Like, I get all your money all the time?"

More threats

Laura: "Is it hot in here?"
Jack: "It's pleasantly warm."
Laura: "I'm dying."
Jack: "You're a woman of extremes, aren't you."
Laura: "No, but if you say that again..."

Laura composes a math problem

[After I referred to myself (perhaps unjustifiably) as a mathematician.]

Laura: "You're a mathematician?"
Jack: "Well, I've always had an interest in it, and I know a lot."
Laura: "Really? You know a lot?"
Jack: "Go ahead, ask me something."
Laura: "Uh, okay. A train leaves L.A at 3pm for Chicago. Another train is leaving Chicago.... Um, count the trains."

Counting money

[One night when I came home earlier than usual from counting the church offering money:]
Laura: "That was quick. What d'ya do, 'One for me, one for you, high five, and go'?"

Never get between Laura and her coffee

Laura (holding out her hand for my wallet): "Hand it over."
Jack: "Oh, you want coffee." (And then, knowing full well that a large Starbucks coffee costs over $3.00, and pulling a single dollar bill from his wallet): "Hmm, I wonder what you could get for a dollar..."
Laura (without missing a beat): "You could get hurt."

The Passion of Christ

Jack: "According to the paper, Mel Gibson edited the 'Passion of Christ' to make it less gory."
Laura: "What, so now the guards just say, 'Come this way, Sir.' and lead him off-screen?"

The Absolute Power of a Choir Director

One Sunday night while Laura was listening to the choir practicing, she got my attention to ask,

Laura: "You mean the choir director can tell you when to breathe? Rock on! I want that job!"

Another choir member added: "Not only that, but she can tell us when not to breathe."

Laura (to the choir director): "I salute you."

Taking a pacifier from a baby

One evening when we had to give our sleepy 5-month old baby Jason some medicine, I had to take the pacifier out of his mouth so that we could insert the eye dropper containing medicine.

Jack: "I really hate to pull a pacifier from a baby's mouth."
Laura: "I know, that pacifier is the only thing between us and quiet."

George, the senior

After watching George Bush (the senior) and Bill Clinton walk out onto the Super bowl playing field at halftime:

Jack: George Bush looks *really* old.
Laura: He *is* old. He's so old he has God's pager number.

For Crying Out Loud

Jason (our 3-month old, who is usually smiling and happy) was crying incessantly.

Jack: He seems to be crying a lot more than he used to.
Laura: I know. I think he must have seen the video of when Brianna was a baby and now he's thinking, "I've been way too good!"

After our 3-month old baby kept us from getting much sleep one night:

Laura: "This little baby kicked my butt last night. He was all 'Crouching toddler, hidden baby' on me."

bitter-ish

Laura uses "ish" to modify nearly any adjective. After all, if "greenish" means somewhat green, then adding "ish" to "bitter" must mean somewhat bitter. She often pauses before the "ish" for dramatic effect. For example,

Laura: I've been stuck at home all day with the kids. But at least I'm not bitter....ish.

Oh, where is my hairbrush?

Laura, after looking at herself in the mirror one morning: "Look at my hair. I look like the Wicked Witch of the West."

Jack: "Just pull a comb through it and it'll be fine."

Laura: "Yeah, I've lost a couple combs in there already."