Morse code punches

[On Saturday morning, Laura often hints that she would like me to go out and get her a coffee from Starbucks. This despite the fact that she already has a homemade coffee in her hand. But I've learned not to toy with her...]

Laura: "You know what would be fun?"
Jack (playing dumb): "Um, I dunno, playing video games all day long...?"
Laura (giving me the evil eye): "You know what would be fun?"
Jack: "Hmm, I give up. Can you give me a hint?"
Laura makes hand gestures, acting out my part: driving to Starbucks, buying a coffee, and bringing it home.
Jack (still playing dumb): "I don't understand. Can you make it more clear?"
Laura (punching her fists in the air): "Come closer and I'll punch it out in Morse code!
   G-E-T  M-E  A  C-O-F-F-E-E!"

Flag Football For 3rd-graders

[We were watching our 9-year-old son play back-to-back games of flag football with other 3rd-graders. If you've ever seen 9-year-olds playing flag football, you know that this is a sport that only parents would ever spectate.]

Jason: I'm out of water.
Laura: Have some of Dad's Dr. Pepper.
Jack: So you're actually letting Jason have caffeine now, eh?
Laura: Well, maybe that will make him play better. And, you know, there could be scouts watching...

If My Wife Interviewed Software Engineers

[It was a late night and I mentioned that I had to interview someone for Ooyala in the morning...]

Laura: I could do the interview for you. I'd be a good interviewer.
Jack: Yeah, what questions would you ask?
Laura: I would start out with, "How long have you owned a computer?"
Jack: Really?
Laura: It's relevant.  Then I would ask, "How fast can you type?"
Jack: You know what the penalty for being silly is? Tickling!
Laura: And then I would get out the calculator and we'd do some math.
Jack: (more tickling)
Laura (swatting Jack's hands): "I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 50. What is it?"
Jack: (more tickling).
Laura: And then if he got past all those questions I would ask, "If you could be any animal you wanted, which one would it be?"
Jack: (giving up) Oy, oy, oy.
Laura: Because, you know, if he said, "A bear" then you probably wouldn't want to work with him.

Extremely time-sensitive mail

[We were leaving the house to take the dog for a walk when Laura noticed there was a stack of mail in our mail slot. She picked it up and started to look through it. Our dog Chloe was straining on her leash.]

Jack: "Don't you want to wait until we get back to pick up the mail?"
Laura: "Yes, but I was just checking to see if there was any time-sensitive material."

A Mother's job is never easy

[Laura works hard as a Mom, carting kids around, dealing with tantrums, and making sure they get their homework done. One night after I left work early to help cart kids around, and then helped them with homework, Laura turned to look at me:]

Laura: "Want to trade jobs with me?"
Jack (thinking: if I say no, I might unintentionally denigrate her work, but if I say yes, she'll know I'm lying): "Um..."
Laura (waiting): "Yeah, I'd like to see how you spin this..."
Jack (thinking hard): "I could never fill your shoes, Dear."
Laura: "And he did it. Good answer."

Spousal feedback

[At work, we sometimes do "peer reviews" where we give honest feedback to our peers about what they are doing well and what they could improve on. Laura had a typical reaction to this.]

Laura: Maybe you could "peer review" me ... but it better be positive ... or I'll punch you!

Colicky babies

Whenever our kids misbehave, they're "my kids". Sometimes, if Laura is feeling generous enough to not blame their behavior entirely on me, the conversation might go something like this:

Laura: "Where did we get these kids?"
Jack: "Well, I know where one of them came from. I was there in the delivery room when the baby came out."
Laura: "Yes, but you didn't actually watch it come out!"
Jack: "I didn't want to faint."
Laura: "So you have no proof!"
Jack: "But there's only one place it could have come from."
Laura: "What if the doctor pulled a baby out of his pocket?"
Jack: "Sure, that's plausible."
Laura: "You never know. They have to do something with those colicky babies!"