I've got a finger for you...

[Laura showed Jack a generous Christmas check from her mom.]

Jack: That's really nice. Hmm, what can I buy with that?
Laura: It says, "For Laura's coffee habit."
Jack: No, I think it says, "For Jack's robot hands."
Laura: Ha, you don't even get a robot finger. But if you did, I can tell you what finger it would be!

Beatings, beatings

Brianna: Dad, can you butter my waffles please?
Dad: What? You know how to butter your waffles. You do it every morning.
Brianna: Yes, but you helped Jason with the microwave.
Dad: Ah, so you're jealous of me helping Jason...
Laura: Shall I beat on her?
Dad: Violence is not the answer to everything, Dear.
Laura: I'll beat on you next.

You should mean it when you lie to me

[I was sneaking out of bed early one morning because I couldn't sleep.]

Laura: Why are you getting up?
Jack: You're awake?
Laura: Yeah, why are you getting up so early?
Jack: I couldn't sleep, thinking about stuff.
Laura: Thinking about me?
Jack: Um, yeah. You, and chess puzzles, and work. (Not necessarily in that order.)
Laura: You sure know how to woo your wife.
Jack: I'm going to sneak downstairs now.
Laura: To write me a love note?
Jack: Um, yeah ... love note.
Laura: You know, you're no longer my favorite person in the room.
Jack: Why not, I answered correctly, didn't I?
Laura: Yes, but you should mean it when you lie to me.

Impatience

[Brianna nagging Laura to let her buy another song on iTunes.]

Laura: Just a second. You've got to be patient. You've done nothing but ... not be patient.
Jack: You put a lot of negatives in that sentence.
Laura: I wanted to make sure that she got it.

"What would your mother say?"

Whenever Laura does not approve of something I do, she scolds me with "What would your mother say?".  Or she threatens me with, "I'm telling your mama!"  Or in some cases, both.

Me (weighing myself on the scale): Oh, that's not good.
Laura: What?
Me: I guess I should stop eating all those peanut M&M's at work...
Laura: Jackson! What would your mother say?!
Me: Probably something like, "You're going to share that bowl with your whole team, right?"
Laura: I'm telling your mama!

At least she would crack the windows open...

[Laura and I were planning to go out for dinner for our anniversary and the kids were looking forward to a babysitter or play date.]

Jason: "So do we get to over to the Lindemulders?"
Laura: "No, we're just going to crack the windows in the car."

Spare the rod

[Grandma Nell came to visit and brought along a couple games for the kids.]

Grandma: Hey kids, I have a new game to play...
Laura (interrupting): Yeah, it's called, "Beat the children, spare the rod."