The Desserts I Did Not Eat

[Google has amazing desserts, all free of course, and resisting them is like shoveling against the tide. So sometimes I have to put a positive spin on things...]

Jack: "Ask me how many desserts I didn't eat today."
Laura: "Jack..."
Jack: "At lunch, I didn't have a second piece of the moistest chocolate cake ever."
Laura: "That's one."
Jack: "And I didn't take another cherry-white-chocolate-chip cookie from the cookie jar."
Laura: "That's two."
Jack: "And at dinner I didn't get a second helping of the best flan I ever tasted."
Laura: "That's three."
Jack: "And in the afternoon, I didn't eat a second free ice cream sandwich."
Laura: "That's four."
Jack: "And then at council tonight Pietie made a wonderful Dutch dessert that I can't pronounce and I didn't help myself to another piece."
Laura: "You had five desserts today? Are you even a little bit ashamed?"
Jack (deciding it best not to mention the bananas and caramel dessert): "I thought you were counting the desserts that I didn't eat."
Laura (patting my belly): "Pretty soon Belly Bob here is going to be so big you won't be able to turn around in a China store without knocking things over. You'll hear something and go 'huh?' and turn and then WHAM! belly knocks something on the floor and then you'll turn back and WHAM! belly knocks something else on the floor. Hee hee hee!"
Jack: "The expression is 'bull in a China closet' not 'belly in a China store'. And it refers to someone who is reckless or careless, not someone who is chubby and clueless."
Laura: "I thought you were trying to lose weight."
Jack: "They were small desserts. Google always serves small helpings."
Laura: "But you had FIVE of them!"
Jack (holding his thumb and finger about a millimeter apart): "Teeny tiny helpings."
Laura: "I'm gonna tell your momma."

Parent-teacher Sessions

[Brianna is only in "Junior Kindergarten" but we, as her parents, still have a parent-teacher meeting to discuss how she is doing.]

Laura: "I signed up for a parent-teacher conference today, but they only allow 20 minutes to talk!"
Jack: "Well, how much can there be to talk about? 'Plays nicely with others...needs to work on paying attention...'?"
Laura: "But I've got issues! I want a whole hour on the couch!"
Jack: "This is a parent-teacher conference, not a shrink session. There's no couch. And you're supposed to talk about Brianna, not your 'issues'."
Laura: "And speaking of Brianna, I think she's doing way too much socializing. We've been invited to 10 birthday parties in 9 weeks! And every time we get a birthday invitation from someone Brianna always says she is 'best friends' with them. I think she goes around asking each kid, 'So...when's your birthday?' and then making 'best friends' with everyone just before their birthday!"