Laura's favorite threats

Laura is a sweet woman, but she doesn't take flack from anyone and she compensates for her small size with bold threats, which are all the more humorous given her lack of ability to enforce them. One of her favorite threats is:

Laura: "Don't make me come over there!"

The above threat is often used even when she is standing (or lying) right next to me.

She said this so often that I used it once myself to find out what her response would be:

Jack: "Don't make me come over there."
Laura: "Bring it on!"

So naturally, the next time she repeated her favorite threat I used her response:

Laura: "Don't make me come over there!"
Jack: "Bring it on."
Laura: "You don't want none of this!"

To fully appreciate the exchange you have to imagine 5-foot little Laura with a hand on her hip, and fire in her eyes, and me looking down bemusedly from my 6-foot-2, 200-pound frame wondering if she really thought she was fooling anyone. It took me a while to get the next response in the sequence, but here it is:

Jack: "Don't make me come over there."
Laura: "Bring it on!"
Jack: "You don't want none of this."
Laura: "You can't handle any of this!"

Alas, she has caught on to my secret plan of baiting her and so I'm afraid that I won't be able to extend this particular exchange.

Just to be clear, these exchanges are all in jest. If she's really mad at me, she just says "Bite me" or if I'm really bad, "You're a butt." But I've learned that it's usually best to let her win the argument. She'll usually conclude each argument anyway with the final sounding:

Laura: "Yeah, just as I thought."

No matter what I say.

Sleep, baby, sleep!

[In the middle of the night, while holding our 1-week old adopted boy Jason, I overheard Laura tell Jason this:]
Laura: "Don't go looking all wide-eyed. 'Cause 'round here everyone sleeps at night. No exceptions. No matter how cute you are."

[ When I got out of bed to write that down so I could post it later, Laura whispered to Jason:]
Laura: "You're allowed to spit up on him later."

[When I wrote *that* down, Laura responded to me with:]
Laura: "Don't make me shake him up and point him your way!"

A coffee habit

[Sometimes my wife jokingly suggests that I get a second or third job. If we eat at McDonalds and she sees a "Help Wanted" sign she'll point at the sign, click her tongue and say "Jaaaaaack". One time I questioned her on this...]
Jack: "Why do I need a second job? So you can support your coffee habit?"
Laura: "It's not as habitual as I'd like it to be."

It always comes back to one thing...

[While I was rushing off to write down yet another funny saying:]
Laura: "From now on I'm not going to say funny things. I'm just going to thump you."

In case I might forget...

Laura: "Remind me to whack you later."

Because one threat wasn't enough

[Laura hates being tickled, but that doesn't stop her from tickling me. One time, after returning her tickles with some of my own:]
Laura: "Don't make me break your arm right off. And then beat you with it!"

I need to stay up for how long?!

[After cajoling me out of bed in the morning:]
Laura: "Once you get out of bed, you can't go back. For 24 hours."

Like Mother, Like Daughter

[After Jack observed that 3-year old Brianna is a lot like her mother: cute, stubborn, and likes to make up all the rules.]
Jack: "It will be fun to watch you two deal with each other."
Laura: "Brianna, go follow Dad. And give him a hard time."

A quick comeback

Jack (pleased that he could use one of Laura's favorite sayings against her): "I take back all those bad things I was saying about you."
Laura (without missing a beat): "I wouldn't just yet."

"Cute" goes a long way

Jack: "It's a good thing you're cute. Cause you get away with a lot!"
Laura: "It's a good thing you're a pushover."

Pillow talk

[Lying in bed one night, just before going to sleep...]
Laura: "Did you close the gate at the top of the stairs?"
Jack: "No, but Brianna never gets up in the middle of the night."
[Pause]
Jack: "Did you want me to close it?"
Laura: "No, that's okay...If I can't fall asleep and it's 2am then I'll wake you up and you can close it then."