potato, po-tah-to

[We were getting ready for a trip, and Laura was frantically organizing last-minute activities.]

Laura (noticing that she had forgotten to sew up a hole in a travel pillow): "Oh poop, I forgot to sew that up.  I've just been so distracted with everyone asking me for stuff..."
Jack: "That's why you're so valuable."
Laura: "You say 'valuable', I say 'nagged'."

She always retorts

Laura: One thing I have to do before your parents come is dust the shelf over the sink.  Your mom always asks "How could you let it get so dusty?"  And I reply, "Well, it's pretty easy...".
Jack: I think that was a rhetorical question.
Laura: There are no rhetorical questions for me.  I always retort!

Lifting weights

Jack: Can you "spot" me while I bench press?
Laura: I can't lift those weights!
Jack: You don't have to. When I slow down and can't quite lift them all the way up, all you have to do is apply a little upward pressure to help me finish.
Laura: What if the weights get stuck on your chest and I can't help you?
Jack: Then you can call the cute firemen to rescue me.
Laura: In that case, I'll just sit on the bar right now! ("Sorry, Mr. Fireman, I don't know what happened!")
Jack: Don't make me laugh while I'm lifting weights. Here we go... 1 .. 2 .. 3 .. 4 .. uh .. 5 .. uh ..
Laura: Do you need help?
Jack: Not yet ... 6 .. uh .. 7 .. uhhh
[Laura freaks out and can't wait any longer and helps lift one side, tipping the weights, but we manage to get the weights up anyway.]
Laura: You asked for help, right?
Jack: Um, no, but thanks anyway. I guess we're done now.
Laura: Whew, I'm exhausted. Chloe, let's go downstairs and lie on the couch!

[A few minutes later...]
Jack: You could try lifting a few weights...
Laura: Yep, I'm going to get a really giant cup of coffee and lift that.

Prisoners of sleep

[One groggy morning, when neither of us wanted to get up out of bed:]

Laura (speaking in the tone of a wounded soldier): "You go on ahead without me. I'll just drag you down."

"Be" and "Quiet"

[On weekends, the only days we get to "sleep in", Jason usually wakes up early and starts playing with his toys. Sometimes he also wakes up Brianna (by flicking her bedroom light on and off) and then they both start making noise. One morning it was particularly bad, with the kids banging around and yelling at each other while we were still trying to sleep.]

Jack: "I already told them once to be quiet."

Laura: "That's like speaking French to them. They don't understand the words 'be' and 'quiet'."