A tired credit card

[Laura asked to borrow my credit card for some online shopping. Later that evening she returned it to me.]

Jack (feigning surprise): "Oh, I get it back?"
Laura: "Well, it's all tired and worthless now."

Poor Elliot

[Laura and Kim were putting up lights on the Church's Christmas tree and Kim's son Elliot was standing nearby.]

Laura: "You're not putting up very many lights there, Elliot. What are we paying you anyway?"
Elliot: "Nothing!"
Laura: "Well, we'll be decreasing that!"

Take our kids

[We were eating dinner in a booth at IHOP and we repeatedly had to remind our kids to behave, to stop climbing under the table, to quiet their voices, to stop peering over the barrier at other customers, and to stop kicking whatever it was they were kicking.]

Laura (exasperated): "I'm going to be that person who lodges a complaint against this table!"

Then later:

Laura: "I wonder what they would do with such a complaint...maybe move our kids to another table?"

Then later, when I was figuring out the tip:

Laura: "You should give a tip to all the tables around us for putting up with our kids."

Driving commentary

[Laura, who is depth-perception-challenged, cannot stand it when I'm driving through stop-and-go traffic and have to pull in tightly behind another car. I don't brake soon enough for her liking and that leads to a running commentary on my driving.]

Laura (reaching down to slide her seat back as far as it will go): "I'm just trying to get further away from the cars ahead of us."