The Penalty for Buying Books

[I ordered some books implusively on Amazon and casually mentioned this to Laura when she called me on the phone. Laura thinks I have way too many books already.]

Laura: "How's work going...did you email your mom?"
Jack: "No, but I ordered some books."
Laura: "What?! Seriously? You bought some more books? They better be on 'How To Please Your Wife'!"
Jack: "Um, yeah, all 3 volumes."
Laura: "Alright, I gotta go now and toss all your stuff outside! ... and turn on the sprinklers!"

A Very Smart Gun

[At the preschool where Laura used to work the little children are discouraged from playing with make-believe guns but boys will inevitably pick up a stick and point it at someone and say "bang, bang". When Laura would catch them and ask if that is a "gun", they would always deny it and claim it was something else. When Brianna was caught one day, however, she took a different approach...]

Brianna had rolled up a mat and was holding it like a gun.
Laura: "Brianna, is that a gun?"
Brianna: "But it only shoots bad people!"
Laura: "Then why are you pointing it at me?!"

Chip Munching

[ Laura stopped munching on potato chips and stuffed the bag back in the cupboard after she had already eaten several handfuls ... ]

Laura: "Okay, I'll just say no ... this time."

What Am I Thinking Now

Laura: "Know what would be a good idea?"
Jack: "You want a coffee."
Laura: "You're so right! How did you know?"
Jack: "It's easy to tell what you're thinking most of the time."
Laura [putting on a blank expression]: "Oh yeah? What am I thinking?"
Jack [concentrating]: "Hmm, nothing. Nothing at all."
Laura: "Oh, that's so harsh!" then, making a fist, "What am I thinking now!"

Lost Sanity

[Laura was trying to give the kids a bath upstairs one night...]

Jack: "Need anything from downstairs?"
Laura: "My sanity..."
Jack: "Your sanity? Is that where you left it?"
Laura: "Well, I'm hoping..."

Delusions of Power

[Laura gives herself willingly to delusions of power. If you let her hold a power drill, for example, she will draw it like a gun, point it at you, and in a low cowboy voice challenge you with "You talkin' to me?". So I guess I should not have been surprised when I teased her one night in the bathroom and she responded by grabbing an electric toothbrush...]

Laura (threatening me with her toothbrush): "You better watch it! I've got a toothbrush and I know how to use it!"

Playful flirting

[I made some lewd dancing gestures one night to get a reaction out of Laura...]

Laura (shaking her head): "I'm not one to judge ... but I will talk!"