A body like a twinkie

We've been trying to lose weight and sometimes Laura pokes fun at my soft belly. One time when she told me that I needed to bring some papers to church and give them to John, she jokingly added:

Laura [joking]: "...or he'll beat you up."
Jack [playing along]: "Well, he's a pretty big guy."
Laura: "Yeah, I know. He could snap you like a ... twinkie!"

Laura couldn't stop laughing at her joke, so I decided to write it down. When she realized this, she said:

Laura: "That's not funny."
Jack: "You laughed pretty hard."
Laura: "I laugh because I'm hysterical."

Lights out

One night at bedtime Laura was standing right next to the bed when I turned out the lights and it suddenly became completely black. The next thing I heard was,

Laura: "Oh man, I don't know where I am!"

Jack: [waiting his turn for the bathroom]
Laura [teasing]: Are you waiting for me? I might be here a long time. Maybe I want to contemplate the universe.
Jack: [walking away]
Laura: I'm done.
Jack: That was quick. You contemplated the universe already?
Laura: Well, someone already did it.
Jack: How do you know?
Laura: When you've contemplated the universe you know these things.

Money talk

Jack: Some people think we have a lot of money just because I work at Google.
Laura: I wouldn't say we have a lot of money... more than a poodle ... but less than Bill Gates.
Jack: More than a poodle but less than Bill Gates? That's a pretty wide range, dear.
Laura: Well, ya know, I don't like to be wrong.

Subliminal phone messages

Laura was afraid to ask an awkward favor of a friend so she wanted me to do it. I tried phoning them but they weren't home.

Jack: "I called them but they weren't home."
Laura: "Did you leave any subliminal messages?"

Bribe attempts

Laura often adds "I'll give you a dollar..." to requests for favors (and yet somehow I've never received any of those promised dollars). Sometimes when Jason (who is 10 months old) is crying she will promise him a college education if he stops crying. (Maybe he doesn't realize yet how expensive college will be when he grows up because he never goes for that deal.) But my favorite one was the time Jason was screaming because he was hungry and Laura was making a bottle as quickly as she could while trying to calm him down:

Jason: [crying]
Laura [busy making a bottle]: What if I agree to hurry?