A husband's job

[There is a legal phrase used in divorce proceedings, something like "keeping me in the manner to which I have become accustomed". Laura has adopted that phrase with a wishful twist to it.]

Laura: "That's enough teasing for one day."
Jack: "But that's my job!"
Laura: "Well, you need to find another one. Like keeping me in the manner to which I would like to become accustomed."

Queen Laura

[I received a letter from Calvin College addressed to both Laura and me asking for help with fund-raising.]

Jack: "This letter is for you."
Laura: "No it isn't."
Jack: "See, it has your name on it."
Laura: "It doesn't say 'Queen' anywhere."

The shower caste system

[My parents and my sister were visiting from out of town so we had a full house and several of us wanted to take showers one morning.]

Jack [finding Laura just getting out of the shower]: "Oh, there you are."
Laura: "Yeah, I took a long hot shower. I had to do some scraping ... and some chiseling ..."
Jack: "Some 'chiseling', eh?"
Laura: "Well, it's been a while since my last shower..."
Jack: "It's my turn now."
Laura: "There are other people that want to take a shower so don't take too long or we may run out of hot water. I took a long shower but you have to take a short one. We have a 'caste system' here ... and we 'caste' you down!"

Too tired to riot

[The DirectTV satellite service mysteriously erased all our recorded programs (yes, really!) and Laura was understandably upset.]

Laura: "I'm about to start a riot! ... Except I'm too tired. So I'll do it later."

Timezone logic

[We had just returned from a vacation in Hawaii on Sunday night and had to prepare for getting up early Monday morning.]

Laura: "Did you set the alarm?"
Jack: "Yep. 6:50am. Of course, it will feel like 4:50am."
Laura: "You're always bringing up the timezone changes and making it seem a lot worse."
Jack: "I'm not making it worse. I'm just pointing out that our bodies will feel like it is 2 hours earlier because our bodies are still on Hawaii time. So 6:50am will feel like 4:50am."
Laura: "Okay, but only for a couple hours. Then it will feel like 6:50am."

[I can't argue with that.]

Reclining car seats

[Jason, who is 4, surprised me by tilting back his seat in the van into a reclined position. And he did it while sitting in his booster seat!]

Jack: "I didn't know Jason could do that."
Laura [disgruntled]: "Yes, he does that sometimes when we are car-pooling with the Lindemulder kids. But he doesn't seem to know how to straighten his seat back up."
Jack: "So you have to go back there and tilt it back up?"
Laura: "Yes, apparently his job is to make my life harder."

"I Don't Know"

[Laura used to sing a song when she was a kid to bug her brother that she made up called "I don't know". I heard this for the first time recently.]

Jack: "I wonder if my phone is downstairs..."
Laura [singing her song]: "I don't know, I don't know. If you ask me, what I'll tell you is that I don't know."
[Jack just looks at her, surprised.]
Laura: "Go ahead. Ask me something."
Jack: "If you're just going to answer 'I don't know' why would I ask you?"
Laura [singing triumphantly]: "I don't know!"

A tired credit card

[Laura asked to borrow my credit card for some online shopping. Later that evening she returned it to me.]

Jack (feigning surprise): "Oh, I get it back?"
Laura: "Well, it's all tired and worthless now."

Poor Elliot

[Laura and Kim were putting up lights on the Church's Christmas tree and Kim's son Elliot was standing nearby.]

Laura: "You're not putting up very many lights there, Elliot. What are we paying you anyway?"
Elliot: "Nothing!"
Laura: "Well, we'll be decreasing that!"

Take our kids

[We were eating dinner in a booth at IHOP and we repeatedly had to remind our kids to behave, to stop climbing under the table, to quiet their voices, to stop peering over the barrier at other customers, and to stop kicking whatever it was they were kicking.]

Laura (exasperated): "I'm going to be that person who lodges a complaint against this table!"

Then later:

Laura: "I wonder what they would do with such a complaint...maybe move our kids to another table?"

Then later, when I was figuring out the tip:

Laura: "You should give a tip to all the tables around us for putting up with our kids."

Driving commentary

[Laura, who is depth-perception-challenged, cannot stand it when I'm driving through stop-and-go traffic and have to pull in tightly behind another car. I don't brake soon enough for her liking and that leads to a running commentary on my driving.]

Laura (reaching down to slide her seat back as far as it will go): "I'm just trying to get further away from the cars ahead of us."

Sea to Sea bike tour

[Earlier that day we were talking about the Sea to Sea bike tour, where people pedalled their bikes across the country to raise money for poverty. They travelled about 3,900 miles, from the Pacific Ocean to the Atlantic Ocean in 9 weeks of biking, sometimes covering over 100 miles in one day. Most of the riders lost weight; one person lost 26 pounds.]

Laura (patting my stomach): I'm going to sign you up for the "Sea to Sea and Back" tour!

If you see one leg pointing up out of the sand...

[I was sick at home for a couple days and sitting on the couch feeling tired.]

Laura (jokingly): "Want me to carry you downstairs?"
Jack (holding his arms out): "Sure, carry me!"

[Laura makes a heroic but doomed attempt to lift me up off the couch.]

Jack: "What would you do if we were alone in a desert and I was bitten by a snake and couldn't walk?"
Laura: "I'd just cover you up with sand so you wouldn't get sunburned while I went to get help."
Jack: "How would you find me again if I'm covered with sand?"
Laura: "I would leave one leg pointing up in the air."
Jack: "Gee, thanks."

Weekend plans

Jack: "I might have to work a little this weekend."
Laura: "I might schedule a nervous breakdown this weekend. So we'll both have something to do."

Laura's notion of being a manager

Laura: "How's your bug list coming?"
Jack: "Okay. I'm down to 9 bugs."
Laura: "Does anyone look at it? Is there a guy with a whiteboard somewhere with a list of bugs under your name?"
Jack: "No, it's all online. And yes, the directors and managers watch the bug list carefully. If it gets too big they call you in to talk to you."
Laura: "Do they talk with their fists?"
Jack: "You know, I think you would like being a manager."
Laura: "I would! But the power would totally go to my head. Do they have any openings? Do I have to, you know, have any ... experience or anything?"