Google usability study

[Laura agreed to participate in a Google usability study. On the morning that they were coming over she was all stressed out.]

Laura: "I don't want to do this. They're going to think I'm stupid."
Jack: "Sweetie, it's not a test. They're not evaluating you, they're evaluating the software. If something is hard to do then it's a problem with the user interface, not with you."
Laura: "They're going to think I'm dumber than a chimp."
Jack: "Did I mention that I told them you were an expert in HTML? (just kidding)"
Laura: "I'm going to punch you."
Jack: "Oh, and by the way, this will be video-taped for later analysis."
Laura: "Oh great, so later they will have a split-screen movie comparing me with a chimp. The chimp will be going 'click, click, click' and I'll be going 'Whaaat...?' and they'll be going 'ha, ha, ha'!"

Some random sayings

Here are some Laura sayings for which I don't remember the context.

"Does a tree fall if no one is looking at it?"

"I can only lead you to water, push you in, and hold your head under. I can't make you swallow."

A Small Vocabulary

[Laura objects to my publishing her cute sayings. One night when I wrote something funny down, she threatened a new course of action...]

Laura: From now on, I'm only going to say one-syllable things and words that start with boring.

The Opposite of Ambiguous

[Laura sometimes places shoes or other things partway up the stairs, figuring that one of us will carry them the rest of the way the next time we go upstairs. When I walk on by and she later asks my why I didn't carry the shoes (or clothes or whatever) up the stairs I explain that I didn't know if they were going up or down. This was actually true at one time, but lately I use the excuse just for humor value. The latest exchange went something like this...]

Laura: Didn't you see the shoes on the stairs?
Jack: Oh, uh...yeah.
Laura: Why didn't you bring them up with you?
Jack [knowingly using an old excuse]: I didn't know if they were going up or down.
Laura: If I put it on the stairs, it's going up!
Jack: Well, sometimes the dirty clothes basket goes down the stairs.
Laura: That's only when it's at the top of the stairs. I never carry something partway down the stairs! On the stairs means it's going up!
Jack: Okay. Still, it's ambiguous.
Laura: It is not ambiguous. It is so biguous!

Yesterday's Toys

Laura was recounting a whiny episode from our 4-year-old Brianna (who is much better off than she realizes):

"Brianna complained, 'I have only ugly toys! Everyone else has pretty toys!'
I just stared at her. What was I supposed to say to that: 'Yeah, well, other parents love their kids'?"

A Nutty Date

[After eating a dessert with something that looked like nuts, even though the restaurant said it didn't have nuts...]

Jack: "Yeah, I think those were nuts."
Laura: "How can you tell?"
Jack: "I can feel it on my tongue."
Laura: "What does your tongue feel like? ... Long and squishy?"

[Later, after I had eaten around the nuts...]

Jack: "Want some of my dessert?"
Laura: "No thanks."
Jack: "It's really good..."
Laura: "I'm so full I can't even handle any air!"

[On the drive home, she helped me find my sunglasses.]

Laura: "Now it's your turn to help me."
Jack: "What do you want?"
Laura: "You need to help me in the house. Grease up the door frame and push me from behind really hard."

Lazy phone threats

[On the phone one day...]

Laura: "Don't make me put down these bon-bons to threaten you..."

and when I paused to write that down:

Laura: "I will not contribute to the delinquency of your web page."
Jack: "You just did."

Rock, Scissors, Paper

[Jason had just awakened from a nap. Laura and I both were hoping the other would go upstairs and fetch him.]

Jack: "I think I hear Jason. Want to play 'Rock, Scissors, Paper' to see who gets him?"
Laura: "I'm tired."
Jack: "That's okay, you can just tell me what you would have picked, and then I'll tell you what I picked." [chuckle]

[Laura recounts all the chores she has done so far that day...]

Jack: "So what you're saying is you don't want to play 'rock, scissors, paper'?"
Laura: "No, because if I lose I'll just cry and make you feel guilty until you go upstairs anyway."
Jack: "Wow, most women aren't so blatant about their manipulative powers."

The Penalty for Buying Books

[I ordered some books implusively on Amazon and casually mentioned this to Laura when she called me on the phone. Laura thinks I have way too many books already.]

Laura: "How's work going...did you email your mom?"
Jack: "No, but I ordered some books."
Laura: "What?! Seriously? You bought some more books? They better be on 'How To Please Your Wife'!"
Jack: "Um, yeah, all 3 volumes."
Laura: "Alright, I gotta go now and toss all your stuff outside! ... and turn on the sprinklers!"

A Very Smart Gun

[At the preschool where Laura used to work the little children are discouraged from playing with make-believe guns but boys will inevitably pick up a stick and point it at someone and say "bang, bang". When Laura would catch them and ask if that is a "gun", they would always deny it and claim it was something else. When Brianna was caught one day, however, she took a different approach...]

Brianna had rolled up a mat and was holding it like a gun.
Laura: "Brianna, is that a gun?"
Brianna: "But it only shoots bad people!"
Laura: "Then why are you pointing it at me?!"

Chip Munching

[ Laura stopped munching on potato chips and stuffed the bag back in the cupboard after she had already eaten several handfuls ... ]

Laura: "Okay, I'll just say no ... this time."

What Am I Thinking Now

Laura: "Know what would be a good idea?"
Jack: "You want a coffee."
Laura: "You're so right! How did you know?"
Jack: "It's easy to tell what you're thinking most of the time."
Laura [putting on a blank expression]: "Oh yeah? What am I thinking?"
Jack [concentrating]: "Hmm, nothing. Nothing at all."
Laura: "Oh, that's so harsh!" then, making a fist, "What am I thinking now!"

Lost Sanity

[Laura was trying to give the kids a bath upstairs one night...]

Jack: "Need anything from downstairs?"
Laura: "My sanity..."
Jack: "Your sanity? Is that where you left it?"
Laura: "Well, I'm hoping..."

Delusions of Power

[Laura gives herself willingly to delusions of power. If you let her hold a power drill, for example, she will draw it like a gun, point it at you, and in a low cowboy voice challenge you with "You talkin' to me?". So I guess I should not have been surprised when I teased her one night in the bathroom and she responded by grabbing an electric toothbrush...]

Laura (threatening me with her toothbrush): "You better watch it! I've got a toothbrush and I know how to use it!"

Playful flirting

[I made some lewd dancing gestures one night to get a reaction out of Laura...]

Laura (shaking her head): "I'm not one to judge ... but I will talk!"