A body like a twinkie

We've been trying to lose weight and sometimes Laura pokes fun at my soft belly. One time when she told me that I needed to bring some papers to church and give them to John, she jokingly added:

Laura [joking]: "...or he'll beat you up."
Jack [playing along]: "Well, he's a pretty big guy."
Laura: "Yeah, I know. He could snap you like a ... twinkie!"

Laura couldn't stop laughing at her joke, so I decided to write it down. When she realized this, she said:

Laura: "That's not funny."
Jack: "You laughed pretty hard."
Laura: "I laugh because I'm hysterical."

Lights out

One night at bedtime Laura was standing right next to the bed when I turned out the lights and it suddenly became completely black. The next thing I heard was,

Laura: "Oh man, I don't know where I am!"

Jack: [waiting his turn for the bathroom]
Laura [teasing]: Are you waiting for me? I might be here a long time. Maybe I want to contemplate the universe.
Jack: [walking away]
Laura: I'm done.
Jack: That was quick. You contemplated the universe already?
Laura: Well, someone already did it.
Jack: How do you know?
Laura: When you've contemplated the universe you know these things.

Money talk

Jack: Some people think we have a lot of money just because I work at Google.
Laura: I wouldn't say we have a lot of money... more than a poodle ... but less than Bill Gates.
Jack: More than a poodle but less than Bill Gates? That's a pretty wide range, dear.
Laura: Well, ya know, I don't like to be wrong.

Subliminal phone messages

Laura was afraid to ask an awkward favor of a friend so she wanted me to do it. I tried phoning them but they weren't home.

Jack: "I called them but they weren't home."
Laura: "Did you leave any subliminal messages?"

Bribe attempts

Laura often adds "I'll give you a dollar..." to requests for favors (and yet somehow I've never received any of those promised dollars). Sometimes when Jason (who is 10 months old) is crying she will promise him a college education if he stops crying. (Maybe he doesn't realize yet how expensive college will be when he grows up because he never goes for that deal.) But my favorite one was the time Jason was screaming because he was hungry and Laura was making a bottle as quickly as she could while trying to calm him down:

Jason: [crying]
Laura [busy making a bottle]: What if I agree to hurry?

Bedtime for rugrats

I was working late at the office one night when Laura called and described the chaos the kids were creating.

Laura: I'm ready to have some time for myself.
Jack: Well, it's already their bedtime.
Laura: I know. I haven't even taken them upstairs yet. I was hoping to just get a dart gun and they would fall asleep right where they are.

My laughter clues Laura that I'm writing that down and when I read it back to her, she says:

Laura: No, I said something like: 'Those little angels. I really love my job. And I would never use a dart gun.'

Camping

Laura hates to camp but does it once a year because she is a counselor for a girls club at church called GEMS. She had just returned from the annual weekend camping trip.

Jack: "It's good to have you back home."
Laura: "It's very, very, very, very nice to be home. I might have used a few less 'very's if it had been a spa instead of a camping trip."

My short little life

When Laura is spooked (which doesn't take much), she likes to say: "I saw my short little life flash before my eyes!" (which is funny because Laura is short.)

I'd like to thank all the little people...

When Laura worked at a preschool, she would pretend to accept an award and say (amidst all the chaos of 4-year-olds running around): "I'd like to thank all the little people who made this possible..."

Never, ever wrong

Jack: "I can't find my pen."
Laura: "I think I saw it in the car."
Jack (coming back in from the garage): "My honey was right."
Laura: "When am I ever wrong? Ever. Yeah, think carefully."

All of our friends changed their names!

Laura (very tired, trying to read the church phone directory that was lying on the kitchen table): "Oh boy, I don't recognize any of these names.... Oh, it's upside-down."

Desperate Housewives

[This is probably only funny if you know the TV show "Desperate Housewives"]

Laura: That Terri Hatcher is skinny!
Jack: I saw her on the cover of a magazine at Safeway today.
Laura: It must not have been much of a 'cover'. She wouldn't fill half of it.
Jack: Well, you know, they can zoom in on her when they take the picture and fill the frame.
Laura: Even zooming in, she's so skinny she would only fill 2/3 of it!

Wallerin'

Laura: Jason was just sitting around wallerin' on the floor while I was talking on the phone today...
Jack (not hearing the rest of what Laura said): Wallerin....hmm. Interesting word. How do you spell 'wallerin'?
Laura: W -- I'm gonna whup you.

Bored in the hospital

[Laura was stuck in the hospital again with our sick 6-month-old Jason for a few days and was more than ready to come home.]

Laura: The doctors expect Jason to be ready to go home on Thursday or Friday.
Jack: The school auction is Saturday night. You should definitely be out of the hospital by then.
Laura: If I'm not, you're going to tunnel me out with a spoon. And you better not get a plastic spoon. And I'm on the second floor. So you better get cracking.