How many coffees a day does one need?

Jack (teasing Laura): "Oh I see you're making youreself a coffee. I guess I don't need to get you one from Starbucks then."
Laura, apparently speechless for a moment: "I'm wondering exactly how I should kill you."

Souvenirs from London

[Speaking to Laura on the phone when I was in London]

Laura: Did you get me a cute British guard yet?
Jack: No, dear, it's not that easy to take home a British guard.
Laura: What about one of their red hats then? You could at least steal one of their hats. I mean, how fast can they run?
Jack: Well, I don't want to go to jail.
Laura: Don't you love me?
Jack: It's because I love you that I don't want to go to jail. Because then I wouldn't get to see you as much.
Laura: What do you mean "as much"?

[Addendum: I showed this post to my wife and her reaction was:]

Laura: "As much"? I don't get it.
Jack: What do you mean you don't get it? You were questioning my assumption that you would visit me in jail. So "as much" should be "at all". You said this just a few days ago.
Laura: Honey, I don't remember the things I say. That's your job.

Petitions

Laura: What are those signing things, you know those sheets of paper that people sign?
Jack: You mean "petitions"?
Laura: Yeah, sometimes Jason and I do petitions. You know, like "Should we go get coffee?". And they are usually unanimous. Because, you know, I sign Jason's name.

Phone ramblings

Laura often calls me when she's bored and I've learned to give the correct answers to her questions:

Jack: Hi Sweetie.
Laura: Are you missing me?
Jack: A whole bunch.
Laura: Good answer. I won't have to change the locks...

Later, when she's ready to hang up:

Laura: Well, I can't just stand around all day and verbally spar with you...
Jack: You often do...
Laura: Bite me. Oh, see, I did have another minute to talk...

Sunday naps

Laura: You can take a nap now if you want.
Jack: No, I'm okay.
Laura: But you didn't get a nap today.
Jack: Well, I kind of dozed in the comfy chair while the kids ran around screaming.
Laura: Huh. Usually you're upstairs in bed asleep by the time I say "You can...[take a nap]"

And you thought childbirth was painful...

One day Laura exicitedly pointed to an ad in the paper for surrogate mothers.

Laura: Look at this! [tap, tap] $22,000 for having a baby. I could do that!
Jack: [laughing] Sweetie, you said you'd never want to do that again when you had Brianna.
Laura: But look: $22,000! [tap, tap, tap]

Later that day Laura was talking about how having a baby stretches the body and muscles and so on.

Jack: And you wanted to have another baby earlier today...
Laura: For $22,000? Yeah, I'd have a baby rhino.

London trip

I called home to tell my wife that I was going to London on a business trip.

Jack: Hi Sweetie. Guess what? I'm going to London!
Laura: You better bring me back something nice, like a cute British guard. And make sure he has his hat. Which kid do you think you'll take with you?
Jack: Ha ha.
Laura: You think I'm joking. Just imagine holding Jason on your lap for 15 hours on the plane.
Jack: Sweetie, I just called to ask you for my passport number.
Laura: 1-800-nuh-uh.
Jack: What am I going to do with you?
Laura: Bring me along. And leave the kids.
Jack: Don't worry, Dear, I'll send you a postcard. [chuckle]
Laura: That's it! I'm going to shred your passport. Here Jason: munch, munch!

Later, I had to call back to get the expiration date.

Jack: Hi Sweetie, I also need the expiration date.
Laura: March 13, 2007.
Jack: So that means I need to return back home by March 12?
Laura: You're gonna get a butt-kicking!

A body like a twinkie

We've been trying to lose weight and sometimes Laura pokes fun at my soft belly. One time when she told me that I needed to bring some papers to church and give them to John, she jokingly added:

Laura [joking]: "...or he'll beat you up."
Jack [playing along]: "Well, he's a pretty big guy."
Laura: "Yeah, I know. He could snap you like a ... twinkie!"

Laura couldn't stop laughing at her joke, so I decided to write it down. When she realized this, she said:

Laura: "That's not funny."
Jack: "You laughed pretty hard."
Laura: "I laugh because I'm hysterical."

Lights out

One night at bedtime Laura was standing right next to the bed when I turned out the lights and it suddenly became completely black. The next thing I heard was,

Laura: "Oh man, I don't know where I am!"

Jack: [waiting his turn for the bathroom]
Laura [teasing]: Are you waiting for me? I might be here a long time. Maybe I want to contemplate the universe.
Jack: [walking away]
Laura: I'm done.
Jack: That was quick. You contemplated the universe already?
Laura: Well, someone already did it.
Jack: How do you know?
Laura: When you've contemplated the universe you know these things.

Money talk

Jack: Some people think we have a lot of money just because I work at Google.
Laura: I wouldn't say we have a lot of money... more than a poodle ... but less than Bill Gates.
Jack: More than a poodle but less than Bill Gates? That's a pretty wide range, dear.
Laura: Well, ya know, I don't like to be wrong.

Subliminal phone messages

Laura was afraid to ask an awkward favor of a friend so she wanted me to do it. I tried phoning them but they weren't home.

Jack: "I called them but they weren't home."
Laura: "Did you leave any subliminal messages?"

Bribe attempts

Laura often adds "I'll give you a dollar..." to requests for favors (and yet somehow I've never received any of those promised dollars). Sometimes when Jason (who is 10 months old) is crying she will promise him a college education if he stops crying. (Maybe he doesn't realize yet how expensive college will be when he grows up because he never goes for that deal.) But my favorite one was the time Jason was screaming because he was hungry and Laura was making a bottle as quickly as she could while trying to calm him down:

Jason: [crying]
Laura [busy making a bottle]: What if I agree to hurry?

Bedtime for rugrats

I was working late at the office one night when Laura called and described the chaos the kids were creating.

Laura: I'm ready to have some time for myself.
Jack: Well, it's already their bedtime.
Laura: I know. I haven't even taken them upstairs yet. I was hoping to just get a dart gun and they would fall asleep right where they are.

My laughter clues Laura that I'm writing that down and when I read it back to her, she says:

Laura: No, I said something like: 'Those little angels. I really love my job. And I would never use a dart gun.'

Camping

Laura hates to camp but does it once a year because she is a counselor for a girls club at church called GEMS. She had just returned from the annual weekend camping trip.

Jack: "It's good to have you back home."
Laura: "It's very, very, very, very nice to be home. I might have used a few less 'very's if it had been a spa instead of a camping trip."