After our 3-month old baby kept us from getting much sleep one night:

Laura: "This little baby kicked my butt last night. He was all 'Crouching toddler, hidden baby' on me."

bitter-ish

Laura uses "ish" to modify nearly any adjective. After all, if "greenish" means somewhat green, then adding "ish" to "bitter" must mean somewhat bitter. She often pauses before the "ish" for dramatic effect. For example,

Laura: I've been stuck at home all day with the kids. But at least I'm not bitter....ish.

Oh, where is my hairbrush?

Laura, after looking at herself in the mirror one morning: "Look at my hair. I look like the Wicked Witch of the West."

Jack: "Just pull a comb through it and it'll be fine."

Laura: "Yeah, I've lost a couple combs in there already."

Decisions are hard

Laura: "You know, I panic when there are decisions and stuff."

Drugs R Us

[After I observed that Jason looked pretty happy after getting his pain medication in the hospital:]
Laura: "I know. I was asking for the 'Family Plan' when he was getting morphine."

On and on...

[After repeatedly swatting her hand away for tickling me:]
Laura: "Its the hand that keeps on tickling."

Get up on the count of...

[On a sleepy morning]
Laura: On the count of 403, everyone get out of bed.

Yummy rubber bands

Brianna (waving a rubber band in front of Jason): "Jason, no eat this."
Laura: "Well, don't give it to him then. That's the first step in Jason not eating it."

Two wrongs make a right?

Laura: I think you're incorrectly wrong.
Jack: Does that mean I'm right?
Laura: It means I'm going to punch you.

A musical phone company

[While listening to Pachelbel's Canon in D]

Jack: Do you know this composer?
Laura: No.
Jack: It's Pachelbel.
Laura: Pac Bell?

Name that composer

[While listening to Bach's "Sheep may safely graze"]

Jack: Can you name that composer?
Laura: Uh, Gershwin.....Bach.....von Something?
Jack: "von Something?"
Laura: Am I right?
Jack: [laughing]
Laura: Don't just laugh. Am I right?
Jack: It's Bach.
Laura: So I was right.
Jack: But his first name is not Gershwin.
Laura: I know. It's Johannesburg.

Surgeon Envy

Laura, after observing how people responded immediately to a surgeon's
orders: "Those surgeons! That has got to be cool! I mean ... except
for the surgical part of it."

As I hurried to write that quote down, she added: "I'm going to have to send you to the ICU!"

Laura's favorite threats

Laura is a sweet woman, but she doesn't take flack from anyone and she compensates for her small size with bold threats, which are all the more humorous given her lack of ability to enforce them. One of her favorite threats is:

Laura: "Don't make me come over there!"

The above threat is often used even when she is standing (or lying) right next to me.

She said this so often that I used it once myself to find out what her response would be:

Jack: "Don't make me come over there."
Laura: "Bring it on!"

So naturally, the next time she repeated her favorite threat I used her response:

Laura: "Don't make me come over there!"
Jack: "Bring it on."
Laura: "You don't want none of this!"

To fully appreciate the exchange you have to imagine 5-foot little Laura with a hand on her hip, and fire in her eyes, and me looking down bemusedly from my 6-foot-2, 200-pound frame wondering if she really thought she was fooling anyone. It took me a while to get the next response in the sequence, but here it is:

Jack: "Don't make me come over there."
Laura: "Bring it on!"
Jack: "You don't want none of this."
Laura: "You can't handle any of this!"

Alas, she has caught on to my secret plan of baiting her and so I'm afraid that I won't be able to extend this particular exchange.

Just to be clear, these exchanges are all in jest. If she's really mad at me, she just says "Bite me" or if I'm really bad, "You're a butt." But I've learned that it's usually best to let her win the argument. She'll usually conclude each argument anyway with the final sounding:

Laura: "Yeah, just as I thought."

No matter what I say.

Sleep, baby, sleep!

[In the middle of the night, while holding our 1-week old adopted boy Jason, I overheard Laura tell Jason this:]
Laura: "Don't go looking all wide-eyed. 'Cause 'round here everyone sleeps at night. No exceptions. No matter how cute you are."

[ When I got out of bed to write that down so I could post it later, Laura whispered to Jason:]
Laura: "You're allowed to spit up on him later."

[When I wrote *that* down, Laura responded to me with:]
Laura: "Don't make me shake him up and point him your way!"

A coffee habit

[Sometimes my wife jokingly suggests that I get a second or third job. If we eat at McDonalds and she sees a "Help Wanted" sign she'll point at the sign, click her tongue and say "Jaaaaaack". One time I questioned her on this...]
Jack: "Why do I need a second job? So you can support your coffee habit?"
Laura: "It's not as habitual as I'd like it to be."