Funny things my wife said

Beauty Sleep

2011-07-03T08:38:00.001-07:00

Jack: "Oh, it's late. I need my beauty sleep."
Laura: "Me too....but less than you."
Jack: "Hey!"

It's never the woman's fault

2011-06-19T15:49:00.000-07:00

[Laura was driving pretty fast approaching a tight curve in the road.]

Jack: Not too fast, dear...
Laura: You shouldn't say, "Not too fast"; you should say, "The road isn't straight enough."

Territorial diplomacy in a hotel bed

2011-06-19T07:45:00.000-07:00

[We had to share a small hotel bed and we had a lot less space than the king-size bed that we're used to at home.]

Jack: "We're both going to have to try to get along."
Laura: "But one of us should try harder than the other."

The opposite of "clingy"

2011-05-22T08:41:00.000-07:00

Laura: "Brianna seems to be a bit 'clingy' this morning..."
Jack: "Hormones?"
Laura: "Maybe. But I don't remember being clingy to my mom when I was a kid. Ever. I probably made my own bottles."

Her "alleged" snoring makes me "perjure her"

2011-04-12T07:36:00.000-07:00

[At 5 am, Jack touches Laura's shoulder until she wakes up.]

Laura: "Huh? What?"
Jack: "You're snoring."
Laura: "Are you sure?"
Jack: "Yes, dear. I'm sure. Why do you always ask 'Are you sure?' "
Laura: "I didn't hear it."
Jack: "That's because you were asleep."
Laura: "You should at least use the word 'alleged'. You don't want to perjure someone."

Cold feet

2011-01-29T09:01:00.000-08:00

[Laura was uncharacteristically wrapped up in layers of blankets one night when I crawled into bed.]

Jack: You're nice and warm...
Laura: I feel so cold. I even have socks on my feet!
Jack: I hope you're not getting sick.
Laura: No, sometimes cold feet are just cold feet.

The big red eyes on the ceiling

2011-01-06T16:43:00.000-08:00

[We got a new alarm clock for Christmas that projects the time in big red digits onto the ceiling at night.]

Laura: I feel like that big clock is staring at me, judging me.
Jack: You're anthropomorphizing again.
Laura: You know, you should stop using big words and use simple ones, like 'You're right.'!

Reading between the whines

2011-01-06T16:22:00.000-08:00

[Over the Christmas holidays I had a chance to stay home and see family behavior that I normally miss.]

Jason: I'm hungry.
Laura: I'm sorry.
(Jason walks away. Jack and Grandma look shocked.)
Laura: He just wants to snack. If he were really hungry he'd be rolling on the floor pretending to be dying of hunger. You've got to learn to read between the whines.

potato, po-tah-to

2010-12-19T14:48:00.000-08:00

[We were getting ready for a trip, and Laura was frantically organizing last-minute activities.]

Laura (noticing that she had forgotten to sew up a hole in a travel pillow): "Oh poop, I forgot to sew that up. I've just been so distracted with everyone asking me for stuff..."
Jack: "That's why you're so valuable."
Laura: "You say 'valuable', I say 'nagged'."

She always retorts

2010-04-18T08:33:00.000-07:00

Laura: One thing I have to do before your parents come is dust the shelf over the sink. Your mom always asks "How could you let it get so dusty?" And I reply, "Well, it's pretty easy...".
Jack: I think that was a rhetorical question.
Laura: There are no rhetorical questions for me. I always retort!

Lifting weights

2010-02-22T14:11:00.000-08:00

Jack: Can you "spot" me while I bench press?
Laura: I can't lift those weights!
Jack: You don't have to. When I slow down and can't quite lift them all the way up, all you have to do is apply a little upward pressure to help me finish.
Laura: What if the weights get stuck on your chest and I can't help you?
Jack: Then you can call the cute firemen to rescue me.
Laura: In that case, I'll just sit on the bar right now! ("Sorry, Mr. Fireman, I don't know what happened!")
Jack: Don't make me laugh while I'm lifting weights. Here we go... 1 .. 2 .. 3 .. 4 .. uh .. 5 .. uh ..
Laura: Do you need help?
Jack: Not yet ... 6 .. uh .. 7 .. uhhh
[Laura freaks out and can't wait any longer and helps lift one side, tipping the weights, but we manage to get the weights up anyway.]
Laura: You asked for help, right?
Jack: Um, no, but thanks anyway. I guess we're done now.
Laura: Whew, I'm exhausted. Chloe, let's go downstairs and lie on the couch!

[A few minutes later...]
Jack: You could try lifting a few weights...
Laura: Yep, I'm going to get a really giant cup of coffee and lift that.

Prisoners of sleep

2010-01-31T07:43:00.000-08:00

[One groggy morning, when neither of us wanted to get up out of bed:]

Laura (speaking in the tone of a wounded soldier): "You go on ahead without me. I'll just drag you down."

"Be" and "Quiet"

2010-01-31T07:32:00.001-08:00

[On weekends, the only days we get to "sleep in", Jason usually wakes up early and starts playing with his toys. Sometimes he also wakes up Brianna (by flicking her bedroom light on and off) and then they both start making noise. One morning it was particularly bad, with the kids banging around and yelling at each other while we were still trying to sleep.]

Jack: "I already told them once to be quiet."

Laura: "That's like speaking French to them. They don't understand the words 'be' and 'quiet'."

Short days of Winter

2009-12-22T08:33:00.000-08:00

Jack: "We are officially in Winter now. Yesterday was the 21st, the shortest day of the year. The days will start to get longer now."
Laura: "No wonder I couldn't get anything done yesterday."

The Opposite of Rhetorical

2009-08-11T14:04:00.000-07:00

[I was going through the cupboards when I discovered a couple cartons of cookies that we were going to take to church. I should add that I had previously eaten some cookies (just a couple) that she was planning to take to the kids summer camp and Laura still hadn't gotten over that.]

Jack: "Mmmm, cookies..."
Laura: "Those aren't for you."
Jack: "I know."
Laura: "I don't think you do."
Jack: "Yes, they're for church. I won't eat them. Why do you think it's necessary to remind me?"
Laura: "Well, let's see ... why do you think it's necessary to remind you?"
Jack: "It was a rhetorical question."
Laura: "No, I don't think it was rhetorical. In fact, it was very 'torical'!"

Competitive teasing

2009-06-19T09:38:00.000-07:00

[After Laura was teasing me one night trying to get a rise out of me.]

Jack: "You're just trying to 'get my goat'."
Laura: "Oh, I got your goat. Your goat is over here doing jello shots!"

Competitive love

2009-06-19T09:31:00.000-07:00

[We adopted a dog (Chloe) that seems to be afraid of me so I try to show her that I love her. Laura wants the dog to like me too but at the same time she wants to be Chloe's favorite, which can lead to some funny exchanges between Laura and the dog.]

Jack (petting the dog): "That's a good doggy."
Laura: "See? He loves you, yes he does."
Laura (whispering to Chloe): "But not as much as I do ... keep that in mind."

True things that are true

2009-06-10T18:17:00.000-07:00

[Google often has irresistible desserts and sometimes I will bring a sample home for Laura.]

Jack: I have a treat for you.
Laura: Well, hurry on home.
Jack: This is a really good treat. You'll like this.
Laura: Oh good, I like things that I like.

Cell phone "coverage"

2009-05-12T13:10:00.000-07:00

Jack (phoning home from the office): "Sweetie, can you check if I left my cell phone at home? It's probably charging on the counter."
Laura: "Yep, it's here. Oh, let's see if it has any pictures of girls on it..."
Jack: "Ha, ha. Why don't you take some of yourself, dear..."
Laura: "It would take two phones to take my picture..."

[As if the field-of-view of one cell phone camera wasn't big enough.]

Everything's a competition

2009-05-06T22:45:00.000-07:00

Laura: "I need a haircut."
Jack: "Yeah, I need a haircut too."
Laura: "I need one worse."
Jack: "This isn't a competition."
Laura: "I know, because I won!"

[I guess you just had to be there...]

A husband's job

2009-03-09T17:21:00.000-07:00

[There is a legal phrase used in divorce proceedings, something like "keeping me in the manner to which I have become accustomed". Laura has adopted that phrase with a wishful twist to it.]

Laura: "That's enough teasing for one day."
Jack: "But that's my job!"
Laura: "Well, you need to find another one. Like keeping me in the manner to which I would like to become accustomed."

Queen Laura

2009-03-09T17:18:00.000-07:00

[I received a letter from Calvin College addressed to both Laura and me asking for help with fund-raising.]

Jack: "This letter is for you."
Laura: "No it isn't."
Jack: "See, it has your name on it."
Laura: "It doesn't say 'Queen' anywhere."

The shower caste system

2009-03-06T08:59:00.000-08:00

[My parents and my sister were visiting from out of town so we had a full house and several of us wanted to take showers one morning.]

Jack [finding Laura just getting out of the shower]: "Oh, there you are."
Laura: "Yeah, I took a long hot shower. I had to do some scraping ... and some chiseling ..."
Jack: "Some 'chiseling', eh?"
Laura: "Well, it's been a while since my last shower..."
Jack: "It's my turn now."
Laura: "There are other people that want to take a shower so don't take too long or we may run out of hot water. I took a long shower but you have to take a short one. We have a 'caste system' here ... and we 'caste' you down!"

Too tired to riot

2009-02-27T16:14:00.000-08:00

[The DirectTV satellite service mysteriously erased all our recorded programs (yes, really!) and Laura was understandably upset.]

Laura: "I'm about to start a riot! ... Except I'm too tired. So I'll do it later."

Timezone logic

2009-01-28T08:21:00.002-08:00

[We had just returned from a vacation in Hawaii on Sunday night and had to prepare for getting up early Monday morning.]

Laura: "Did you set the alarm?"
Jack: "Yep. 6:50am. Of course, it will feel like 4:50am."
Laura: "You're always bringing up the timezone changes and making it seem a lot worse."
Jack: "I'm not making it worse. I'm just pointing out that our bodies will feel like it is 2 hours earlier because our bodies are still on Hawaii time. So 6:50am will feel like 4:50am."
Laura: "Okay, but only for a couple hours. Then it will feel like 6:50am."

[I can't argue with that.]

Reclining car seats

2009-01-28T07:52:00.000-08:00

[Jason, who is 4, surprised me by tilting back his seat in the van into a reclined position. And he did it while sitting in his booster seat!]

Jack: "I didn't know Jason could do that."
Laura [disgruntled]: "Yes, he does that sometimes when we are car-pooling with the Lindemulder kids. But he doesn't seem to know how to straighten his seat back up."
Jack: "So you have to go back there and tilt it back up?"
Laura: "Yes, apparently his job is to make my life harder."

"I Don't Know"

2009-01-02T09:06:00.000-08:00

[Laura used to sing a song when she was a kid to bug her brother that she made up called "I don't know". I heard this for the first time recently.]

Jack: "I wonder if my phone is downstairs..."
Laura [singing her song]: "I don't know, I don't know. If you ask me, what I'll tell you is that I don't know."
[Jack just looks at her, surprised.]
Laura: "Go ahead. Ask me something."
Jack: "If you're just going to answer 'I don't know' why would I ask you?"
Laura [singing triumphantly]: "I don't know!"

A tired credit card

2008-12-09T20:36:00.000-08:00

[Laura asked to borrow my credit card for some online shopping. Later that evening she returned it to me.]

Jack (feigning surprise): "Oh, I get it back?"
Laura: "Well, it's all tired and worthless now."

Poor Elliot

2008-12-07T20:18:00.000-08:00

[Laura and Kim were putting up lights on the Church's Christmas tree and Kim's son Elliot was standing nearby.]

Laura: "You're not putting up very many lights there, Elliot. What are we paying you anyway?"
Elliot: "Nothing!"
Laura: "Well, we'll be decreasing that!"

Take our kids

2008-12-07T20:13:00.000-08:00

[We were eating dinner in a booth at IHOP and we repeatedly had to remind our kids to behave, to stop climbing under the table, to quiet their voices, to stop peering over the barrier at other customers, and to stop kicking whatever it was they were kicking.]

Laura (exasperated): "I'm going to be that person who lodges a complaint against this table!"

Then later:

Laura: "I wonder what they would do with such a complaint...maybe move our kids to another table?"

Then later, when I was figuring out the tip:

Laura: "You should give a tip to all the tables around us for putting up with our kids."

Driving commentary

2008-12-07T20:10:00.001-08:00

[Laura, who is depth-perception-challenged, cannot stand it when I'm driving through stop-and-go traffic and have to pull in tightly behind another car. I don't brake soon enough for her liking and that leads to a running commentary on my driving.]

Laura (reaching down to slide her seat back as far as it will go): "I'm just trying to get further away from the cars ahead of us."

Sea to Sea bike tour

2008-09-21T16:38:00.000-07:00

[Earlier that day we were talking about the Sea to Sea bike tour, where people pedalled their bikes across the country to raise money for poverty. They travelled about 3,900 miles, from the Pacific Ocean to the Atlantic Ocean in 9 weeks of biking, sometimes covering over 100 miles in one day. Most of the riders lost weight; one person lost 26 pounds.]

Laura (patting my stomach): I'm going to sign you up for the "Sea to Sea and Back" tour!

If you see one leg pointing up out of the sand...

2008-08-11T14:57:00.000-07:00

[I was sick at home for a couple days and sitting on the couch feeling tired.]

Laura (jokingly): "Want me to carry you downstairs?"
Jack (holding his arms out): "Sure, carry me!"

[Laura makes a heroic but doomed attempt to lift me up off the couch.]

Jack: "What would you do if we were alone in a desert and I was bitten by a snake and couldn't walk?"
Laura: "I'd just cover you up with sand so you wouldn't get sunburned while I went to get help."
Jack: "How would you find me again if I'm covered with sand?"
Laura: "I would leave one leg pointing up in the air."
Jack: "Gee, thanks."

Weekend plans

2008-07-25T16:57:00.000-07:00

Jack: "I might have to work a little this weekend."
Laura: "I might schedule a nervous breakdown this weekend. So we'll both have something to do."

Laura's notion of being a manager

2008-07-25T16:49:00.000-07:00

Laura: "How's your bug list coming?"
Jack: "Okay. I'm down to 9 bugs."
Laura: "Does anyone look at it? Is there a guy with a whiteboard somewhere with a list of bugs under your name?"
Jack: "No, it's all online. And yes, the directors and managers watch the bug list carefully. If it gets too big they call you in to talk to you."
Laura: "Do they talk with their fists?"
Jack: "You know, I think you would like being a manager."
Laura: "I would! But the power would totally go to my head. Do they have any openings? Do I have to, you know, have any ... experience or anything?"

Privacy policy

2008-06-30T19:45:00.000-07:00

Laura [throwing away some mail]: "This is just the privacy policy: 'We know you have rights...and we don't care.' "

Disneyland

2008-06-14T21:16:00.000-07:00

[We were sitting on the edge of a nice fountain in Disneyland and Brianna noticed lots of pennies in the water.]

Brianna: "Why are there so many pennies in the water?"
Laura: "People throw them in."
Brianna: "What happens when you throw in a penny?"
Laura: "Nothing. You lose a penny."

[Later, after a long hot day of walking around Disneyland, we had a short rest and bathroom break.]

Laura: "Well, that felt good. I could go for another ... 10 minutes."

The Talk

2008-06-05T07:16:00.000-07:00

[The radio news on NPR was talking about the rate of condom use among teenagers and ended with a suggestion that parents talk to their kids about sex.]

Laura: "Would you like me to talk to you about sex, Dear?"
Jack (thinking this could be interesting): "Yeah, talk to me about sex."
Laura: "Don't do it."

The weather in Seattle

2008-06-01T09:08:00.000-07:00

Laura: The weather in Seattle is either "dark and rainy", or .... not.

Hiding the Fritos

2008-06-01T09:00:00.000-07:00

[Laura bought some groceries earlier in the day.]

Jack: So, did you buy some more Fritos?
Laura: I can't tell you that.
Jack: Oh, goody! Thanks, Dear.
Laura: I should hide them. Maybe in the raisin container...
Jack: You're the one who doesn't like raisins.
Laura: Yes, but you'd never think to look there for chips.
Jack: Now I do.
Laura: Dang it!

Mother's Day

2008-05-08T20:51:00.000-07:00

[Laura bought two Mother's Day cards. One was funny and one was sentimental.]

Laura: "You get to choose your favorite for your mom. Just don't choose the one I want."

Wait until it's safe

2008-05-04T08:23:00.000-07:00

[We were watching the "Man vs Wild" TV show for the first time. It's about this guy who puts himself in the middle of the wild areas of Africa or Australia without any supplies and has to survive on his wits. To add to the drama he describes all the dangers that he comes across in gory detail, like getting trampled by a rhinoceros or being pulled under water by an alligator.]

Wild man on TV: "Tourists love to visit Australia, but every year 70 people die from wild animal attacks."

Laura: "I think I"ll go after they've said they've had their 70 people."

Another day for a stay-at-home mom

2008-02-27T13:48:00.000-08:00

[Going to bed one night, I was looking forward to the next day because Google would make a big announcement regarding the project I was working on.]

Jack: Tomorrow's a big day.
Laura: For who?
Jack: For me.
Laura: Oh. It's the "same old, same old" for me. I'll do a little laundry, maybe do the floors....but at least I'm up to the challenge...

Waking up the roosters

2008-02-27T13:08:00.000-08:00

[I was checking the alarm one night and was wondering why it was set so early.]

Jack: Oh, that's right, I had to get up early for a business trip.
Laura: Yeah, that was early. When you got up I heard some roosters going "huh?".

I'm not controlling!

2008-02-27T13:02:00.000-08:00

[We were observing how our 6-year-old Brianna can be bossy sometimes to 3-year-old Jason.]

Laura: She can be kind of 'controlling'.
Jack: Sort of like her mother?
Laura: I'm not controlling.
Jack: [grins]
Laura: I'm not controlling! [whack] Say it!

To "blunt" someone

2008-01-19T15:19:00.000-08:00

[I snuck up behind Laura to tickle her while she was working the menus on the Nintendo Wii and she spun around holding the Nintendo Wii remote...]

Laura: "You better watch out, I have a blunt instrument and I'm going to, uh, ... blunt you!"
Jack: "There's no such verb 'to blunt someone'."
Laura: "Yeah, that's what you'll be telling yourself when you're lying on the floor!"

Don't be stupid

2008-01-13T16:48:00.000-08:00

[I was about to cut Laura a piece of chocolate cake ...]

Jack: "How big a piece do you want?"

Laura: "Surprise me." (And then she added, "But don't be stupid.")

Kicking water

2008-01-03T22:12:00.001-08:00

[After being amazed by the water acrobatics of the Cirque Du Soleil show "O":]

Laura: "It's a good thing I didn't choreograph that show. Or there would be a lot of people standing around kicking water..."

Fewer whackings

2007-09-30T16:11:00.000-07:00

Jack: "I didn't sleep so well last night. My head was kind of stuffed up."
Laura: "You should take an aspirin, a vitamin C, and tell me how pretty I am."
Jack: "You're so pretty."
Laura: "See, doesn't that make you feel better?"
Jack: "I imagine it makes you feel better."
Laura: "You'll feel better too because I won't whack you nearly as much!"

Church paranoia

2007-09-30T16:05:00.000-07:00

[Laura and I sat down in church and started scanning through the announcements in the church bulletin...]

Laura: "Let's see ... does it say anything bad about us?"

Party like a rock star

2007-08-27T19:28:00.000-07:00

[Laura was watching a TV show where they were playing the song "Party Like A Rock Star" and she was singing along.]

Laura: "That's what I'm going to do tomorrow."
Jack: "What, become a rock star?"
Laura: "No, party."
Jack: "Oh, of course."
Laura: "I'm hoping there's a lot of eating bon-bons ... and sitting ... and no laundry."

Motherhood

2007-07-09T09:15:00.000-07:00

[ Jason, who is two and a half, sometimes just likes to get our attention it seems...]

Jason: "Mommy, Mommy!"
Laura: "Yes, Jason?"
Jason: "Mommy, Mommy!"
Laura: "What, Jason?"
Jason: "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!"
Laura: "Ohhh ... sometimes the pay just isn't enough..."

[On another occasion, when the kids were being whiny and inconsolable...]

Laura: "Motherhood isn't nearly as fun as the color brochure made it seem..."

Sour Milk

2007-06-24T09:17:00.000-07:00

[Laura is ultra-squeamish about food going bad so it's hard to resist teasing her sometimes...]

Jack [smelling the milk and pretending that it's gone sour]: "It's probably got another day left in it ..." [and then pouring it on his cereal.]

Laura: "It's a wonder I kiss you at all."

Wedding Vows

2007-06-23T16:31:00.000-07:00

[Laura was helping some friends get ready for their wedding and she heard that they were writing their own wedding vows... ]

Laura: I would have had to let Jack do that because if it were left up to me they would say, 'I kind of like you ... I'll try not to shoot you.'

An Easy Customer

2007-06-18T09:34:00.000-07:00

[Laura was flipping through some catalogs for something to do while riding in the car...]

Laura: "I don't need anything from Pottery Barn ... but let's see what they want me to buy from them ..."

Chex Mix

2007-05-27T08:48:00.000-07:00

[ Laura had just made a large bag of Chex Mix (with M&Ms, honey roasted peanuts, dried fruit, and other yummy goodies) for a cross-country car trip with my parents and my sister's family.]

Laura: "Do you think that's too much Chex Mix?"
Jack: "I could finish that in 2 days."
Laura: "You have to share this among three cars."
Jack: "Or you could make three of those bags."
Laura [crunching slowly on some Chex Mix and glaring at me]: "Pretend you're the Chex Mix."

No snacks for Jack

2007-05-22T12:48:00.000-07:00

Jack: "I have council tonight."
Laura: "Good, bring me home a snack."
Jack: "We don't have snacks tonight. That's only on the first council meeting each month."
Laura: "No snacks? Poor Jack. And they still expect you to show up?"

Ring around the rosie, Laura's version

2007-05-22T12:35:00.000-07:00

[Early one morning when Laura was still groggy and the kids wanted to play "Ring around the rosie" in the kitchen, Laura obliged with her own version of the song.]

Laura: "Ring around the rosie,
Pocket full of posie,
Ashes, ashes,
Everybody but me fall down."

[Both kids fell down still holding onto Laura and pulling her down with them.]

Take me with you!

2007-04-07T11:34:00.000-07:00

Laura: "Take me with you!"

[What Laura pleads from the doorway as I'm leaving for work in the morning while the kids behind her are yelling and fighting.]

The Right Opinion

2007-03-14T14:44:00.000-07:00

[It was a warm night -- almost too warm for sleeping -- and I was thinking of getting up to turn on the air conditioning...]

Laura: "Before you go turning up anything you should consider removing a blanket. That's just my opinion ... but it's the right one."

Cricket playing

2007-03-12T19:50:00.000-07:00

[We were talking about how we both hate ironing...]

Laura: "Ironing is hard."
Jack: "I know, it's not worth it."
Laura: "And it gets in the way of my...cricket playing."
Jack: "Cricket playing, eh? How's that going?"
Laura: "Well, it's fun, but I feel bad for the crickets!"

Brainwashing

2007-03-03T08:45:00.000-08:00

[I was about to take Brianna to her swimming lesson and Laura was hoping I would stop at Starbucks on the way home...]

Laura: "I bet I know what you would like to do on the way home."
Jack: "I bet I know what you're going to ask."
Laura: "I bet I know what you WOULD LIKE to do on the way home."
Jack: "You could have a career in brainwashing."
Laura: "It's not so much 'washing' as it is 'beating into submission'."

I can feel my mind going...

2007-02-25T21:14:00.000-08:00

[ We were listening to classical music on the car radio and I couldn't remember the name of the composer for "The Barber of Seville"...]

Jack: "What is the name of that composer? Why can't I think of it? I'm losing my mind!"
Laura: "Welcome to the club. The dues are steep...but it's fun."

A Groggy Morning

2007-02-20T09:30:00.000-08:00

[ When the alarm goes off on an early school morning, we both lie in bed wishing we could sleep later... ]

Jack (groaning): "Why can't school start an hour later?"
Laura: "I know. I put in a suggestion in the suggestion box. But they said, 'No curse words.'"

Female numbers

2007-02-06T15:21:00.000-08:00

[The newsletter for Brianna's pre-Kindergarten class said that next week they would be learning about nickels, the letter N, and one-to-one correspondences.]

Laura: "I wonder what 'one-to-one correspondence' means."
Jack: "That's where you match up one set of things with another; one item from this set pairs with one item from that set."
Laura: "That PhD was good for something..."
Jack (getting warmed up): "Did you know that you can make a one-to-one correspondence between the integers and all the fractions?"
Laura (looking for an escape): "I, uh, have to go over there..."
Jack: "What's more interesting is that you cannot make a one-to-one correspondence between the integers and the irrational numbers."
Laura (looking at me suspiciously): "Those would be the female numbers?"

Prioritize

2007-02-03T09:01:00.000-08:00

[Laura was about to leave for a women's breakfast Saturday morning, leaving me to supervise the kids...]

Jack: "Do you suppose it's safe for me to leave them downstairs while I take a shower?"
Laura: "Well, you might want to prioritize..."
Jack: "Prioritize what?"
Laura: "You know, like what body parts really need cleaning."

Competitiveness

2007-02-01T22:04:00.000-08:00

Jack: "You're pretty competitive."
Laura: "I'm not competitive. I just want to win at everything."

The Desserts I Did Not Eat

2007-01-10T12:44:00.000-08:00

[Google has amazing desserts, all free of course, and resisting them is like shoveling against the tide. So sometimes I have to put a positive spin on things...]

Jack: "Ask me how many desserts I didn't eat today."
Laura: "Jack..."
Jack: "At lunch, I didn't have a second piece of the moistest chocolate cake ever."
Laura: "That's one."
Jack: "And I didn't take another cherry-white-chocolate-chip cookie from the cookie jar."
Laura: "That's two."
Jack: "And at dinner I didn't get a second helping of the best flan I ever tasted."
Laura: "That's three."
Jack: "And in the afternoon, I didn't eat a second free ice cream sandwich."
Laura: "That's four."
Jack: "And then at council tonight Pietie made a wonderful Dutch dessert that I can't pronounce and I didn't help myself to another piece."
Laura: "You had five desserts today? Are you even a little bit ashamed?"
Jack (deciding it best not to mention the bananas and caramel dessert): "I thought you were counting the desserts that I didn't eat."
Laura (patting my belly): "Pretty soon Belly Bob here is going to be so big you won't be able to turn around in a China store without knocking things over. You'll hear something and go 'huh?' and turn and then WHAM! belly knocks something on the floor and then you'll turn back and WHAM! belly knocks something else on the floor. Hee hee hee!"
Jack: "The expression is 'bull in a China closet' not 'belly in a China store'. And it refers to someone who is reckless or careless, not someone who is chubby and clueless."
Laura: "I thought you were trying to lose weight."
Jack: "They were small desserts. Google always serves small helpings."
Laura: "But you had FIVE of them!"
Jack (holding his thumb and finger about a millimeter apart): "Teeny tiny helpings."
Laura: "I'm gonna tell your momma."

Parent-teacher Sessions

2007-01-04T18:03:00.000-08:00

[Brianna is only in "Junior Kindergarten" but we, as her parents, still have a parent-teacher meeting to discuss how she is doing.]

Laura: "I signed up for a parent-teacher conference today, but they only allow 20 minutes to talk!"
Jack: "Well, how much can there be to talk about? 'Plays nicely with others...needs to work on paying attention...'?"
Laura: "But I've got issues! I want a whole hour on the couch!"
Jack: "This is a parent-teacher conference, not a shrink session. There's no couch. And you're supposed to talk about Brianna, not your 'issues'."
Laura: "And speaking of Brianna, I think she's doing way too much socializing. We've been invited to 10 birthday parties in 9 weeks! And every time we get a birthday invitation from someone Brianna always says she is 'best friends' with them. I think she goes around asking each kid, 'So...when's your birthday?' and then making 'best friends' with everyone just before their birthday!"

Another hard day at the office

2006-11-03T20:21:00.000-08:00

[Talking to Laura on the phone while eating a candy bar...]

Laura: "What are you eating?"
Jack: "A co-worker brought in a big bag of candy bars left over from Halloween."
Laura: "And you went over and took a handful?"
Jack: "No, she dropped it off on my desk."
Laura: "She dropped off a big bag of candy bars on your desk?! What was she thinking?! I'm going to have to start calling you Chubby."
Jack: "Let's see ... there are Kit Kats ... Snickers ... oh, and Baby Ruths, mmm ..."
Laura: "Chubby."
Jack: "Well, I emailed the group and told them to come get some..."
Laura: "And you added: 'But please don't hurry, I'm still sifting through the good ones.'?"
Jack: "Oh, c'mon. I'll bring you home one. What kind would you like? There are lots of Almond Joys that I can't eat."
Laura: "I want something with peanut butter."
Jack: "You're in luck. There's one Reese's Peanut Butter Cup left."
Laura: "Good."
Jack: "It's sitting right next to my Kit Kat and my Nestle's Crunch."
Laura: "Okay."
Jack: "I'll try not to eat it before I get home."
Laura: "You punk! I'm going to meet you at the door and unless you can show me the Reese's through the window I'm not going to let you in!"

[The Reese's made it safely home.]

Comparing job benefits

2006-11-03T20:12:00.000-08:00

[After telling Laura on the phone about the free snacks I was eating at Google...]

Jack: "It's just one of my benefits..."
Laura: "Your job has lots of benefits. Let me count my benefits...well, I'm done with that! Oh wait, I got the sniffles from one of the kids."

Motherhood time-cards

2006-11-03T11:27:00.000-08:00

[After a long day with the kids...]

Laura: I wish I had one of those time-card thingies. Then I could punch out -- ka-chunk! -- and say, "Kids, stop talking to me."

Have you been fed yet, little fish?

2006-09-10T17:54:00.000-07:00

Jack: "Brianna, come feed the fish."
Laura: "No, I already fed them this morning. But they always seem to be hungry because if you ask them if someone fed them yet they always shake their heads 'No'."
Jack: "That could just be their natural swimming motion..."

Google usability study

2006-08-04T11:03:00.000-07:00

[Laura agreed to participate in a Google usability study. On the morning that they were coming over she was all stressed out.]

Laura: "I don't want to do this. They're going to think I'm stupid."
Jack: "Sweetie, it's not a test. They're not evaluating you, they're evaluating the software. If something is hard to do then it's a problem with the user interface, not with you."
Laura: "They're going to think I'm dumber than a chimp."
Jack: "Did I mention that I told them you were an expert in HTML? (just kidding)"
Laura: "I'm going to punch you."
Jack: "Oh, and by the way, this will be video-taped for later analysis."
Laura: "Oh great, so later they will have a split-screen movie comparing me with a chimp. The chimp will be going 'click, click, click' and I'll be going 'Whaaat...?' and they'll be going 'ha, ha, ha'!"

Some random sayings

2006-08-04T10:52:00.000-07:00

Here are some Laura sayings for which I don't remember the context.

"Does a tree fall if no one is looking at it?"

"I can only lead you to water, push you in, and hold your head under. I can't make you swallow."

A Small Vocabulary

2006-08-03T18:24:00.000-07:00

[Laura objects to my publishing her cute sayings. One night when I wrote something funny down, she threatened a new course of action...]

Laura: From now on, I'm only going to say one-syllable things and words that start with boring.

The Opposite of Ambiguous

2006-08-03T18:03:00.000-07:00

[Laura sometimes places shoes or other things partway up the stairs, figuring that one of us will carry them the rest of the way the next time we go upstairs. When I walk on by and she later asks my why I didn't carry the shoes (or clothes or whatever) up the stairs I explain that I didn't know if they were going up or down. This was actually true at one time, but lately I use the excuse just for humor value. The latest exchange went something like this...]

Laura: Didn't you see the shoes on the stairs?
Jack: Oh, uh...yeah.
Laura: Why didn't you bring them up with you?
Jack [knowingly using an old excuse]: I didn't know if they were going up or down.
Laura: If I put it on the stairs, it's going up!
Jack: Well, sometimes the dirty clothes basket goes down the stairs.
Laura: That's only when it's at the top of the stairs. I never carry something partway down the stairs! On the stairs means it's going up!
Jack: Okay. Still, it's ambiguous.
Laura: It is not ambiguous. It is so biguous!

Yesterday's Toys

2006-07-05T10:42:00.001-07:00

Laura was recounting a whiny episode from our 4-year-old Brianna (who is much better off than she realizes):

"Brianna complained, 'I have only ugly toys! Everyone else has pretty toys!'
I just stared at her. What was I supposed to say to that: 'Yeah, well, other parents love their kids'?"

A Nutty Date

2006-07-01T19:10:00.000-07:00

[After eating a dessert with something that looked like nuts, even though the restaurant said it didn't have nuts...]

Jack: "Yeah, I think those were nuts."
Laura: "How can you tell?"
Jack: "I can feel it on my tongue."
Laura: "What does your tongue feel like? ... Long and squishy?"

[Later, after I had eaten around the nuts...]

Jack: "Want some of my dessert?"
Laura: "No thanks."
Jack: "It's really good..."
Laura: "I'm so full I can't even handle any air!"

[On the drive home, she helped me find my sunglasses.]

Laura: "Now it's your turn to help me."
Jack: "What do you want?"
Laura: "You need to help me in the house. Grease up the door frame and push me from behind really hard."

Lazy phone threats

2006-06-26T16:30:00.000-07:00

[On the phone one day...]

Laura: "Don't make me put down these bon-bons to threaten you..."

and when I paused to write that down:

Laura: "I will not contribute to the delinquency of your web page."
Jack: "You just did."

Rock, Scissors, Paper

2006-06-25T07:36:00.000-07:00

[Jason had just awakened from a nap. Laura and I both were hoping the other would go upstairs and fetch him.]

Jack: "I think I hear Jason. Want to play 'Rock, Scissors, Paper' to see who gets him?"
Laura: "I'm tired."
Jack: "That's okay, you can just tell me what you would have picked, and then I'll tell you what I picked." [chuckle]

[Laura recounts all the chores she has done so far that day...]

Jack: "So what you're saying is you don't want to play 'rock, scissors, paper'?"
Laura: "No, because if I lose I'll just cry and make you feel guilty until you go upstairs anyway."
Jack: "Wow, most women aren't so blatant about their manipulative powers."

The Penalty for Buying Books

2006-05-30T15:57:00.000-07:00

[I ordered some books implusively on Amazon and casually mentioned this to Laura when she called me on the phone. Laura thinks I have way too many books already.]

Laura: "How's work going...did you email your mom?"
Jack: "No, but I ordered some books."
Laura: "What?! Seriously? You bought some more books? They better be on 'How To Please Your Wife'!"
Jack: "Um, yeah, all 3 volumes."
Laura: "Alright, I gotta go now and toss all your stuff outside! ... and turn on the sprinklers!"

A Very Smart Gun

2006-05-19T09:39:00.000-07:00

[At the preschool where Laura used to work the little children are discouraged from playing with make-believe guns but boys will inevitably pick up a stick and point it at someone and say "bang, bang". When Laura would catch them and ask if that is a "gun", they would always deny it and claim it was something else. When Brianna was caught one day, however, she took a different approach...]

Brianna had rolled up a mat and was holding it like a gun.
Laura: "Brianna, is that a gun?"
Brianna: "But it only shoots bad people!"
Laura: "Then why are you pointing it at me?!"

Chip Munching

2006-05-10T20:30:00.000-07:00

[ Laura stopped munching on potato chips and stuffed the bag back in the cupboard after she had already eaten several handfuls ... ]

Laura: "Okay, I'll just say no ... this time."

What Am I Thinking Now

2006-05-07T19:59:00.000-07:00

Laura: "Know what would be a good idea?"
Jack: "You want a coffee."
Laura: "You're so right! How did you know?"
Jack: "It's easy to tell what you're thinking most of the time."
Laura [putting on a blank expression]: "Oh yeah? What am I thinking?"
Jack [concentrating]: "Hmm, nothing. Nothing at all."
Laura: "Oh, that's so harsh!" then, making a fist, "What am I thinking now!"

Lost Sanity

2006-05-07T19:23:00.000-07:00

[Laura was trying to give the kids a bath upstairs one night...]

Jack: "Need anything from downstairs?"
Laura: "My sanity..."
Jack: "Your sanity? Is that where you left it?"
Laura: "Well, I'm hoping..."

Delusions of Power

2006-05-02T21:48:00.000-07:00

[Laura gives herself willingly to delusions of power. If you let her hold a power drill, for example, she will draw it like a gun, point it at you, and in a low cowboy voice challenge you with "You talkin' to me?". So I guess I should not have been surprised when I teased her one night in the bathroom and she responded by grabbing an electric toothbrush...]

Laura (threatening me with her toothbrush): "You better watch it! I've got a toothbrush and I know how to use it!"

Playful flirting

2006-05-02T21:40:00.000-07:00

[I made some lewd dancing gestures one night to get a reaction out of Laura...]

Laura (shaking her head): "I'm not one to judge ... but I will talk!"

Child Allergies

2006-04-14T16:09:00.000-07:00

Laura (sneezing): "Achoo. Achoo. See, I'm allergic to kids. Two sneezes, two kids!"

Summer interns are not for spanking

2006-04-14T10:59:00.000-07:00

[A while ago there was a Dilbert comic about an intern (Asok) who had to perform petty tasks for the full-time employees. There was one strip where the intern was stuck in a hole in the wall and people would walk by and spank him. This delighted Laura so much that she asked if she could have an intern.]

Jack: "I'm getting an intern this summer."
Laura: "Can I spank him?"
Jack: "No."
Laura: "Once?"

Laura: "What's his name?"
Jack: "I think it's Way Yen."
Laura (grinning): "Way Yen? Say when!"

First words of the day

2006-04-14T10:54:00.000-07:00

Jack [just waking up]: "It's Good Friday today."
Laura [pointing a finger at me]: "So you should be good today!"

Snacks at Google

2006-04-12T18:03:00.000-07:00

[Google has a huge variety of free snacks and drinks for their employees. Sometimes my joy and enthusiasm isn't shared by my wife who calls me from home after a long day with screaming kids (and without the free snacks). But lately, I've been cutting back on the ice cream, Dr. Pepper, and chocolate wafers and trying to eat healthier -- though not without a little skepticism from Laura...]

Laura: "Getting lots of work done?"
Jack: "Um, some."
Laura: "Or busy eating snacks?"
Jack: "No, I fnished consuming the snacks." [chuckle]
Laura: "Yeah, double-fisting them goes faster, eh?"
Jack: "They were healthy snacks."
Laura: "Oh, is that what we're calling them now? Were there air quotes around 'healthy' by any chance?"
Jack: "No really, they were healthy snacks."
Jack: [busy transcribing the conversation so far...]
Laura [suspecting this] "I'm going to start writing stuff that you didn't say, like 'I gotta itch my butt!' Ha, there!"
Jack: [still writing...]
Laura: "Whatever you were going to get me for our anniversary next week, you're going to have to double it."
Jack: "Okay, that will be easy." [chuckle]
Laura: "When were you going to try to come home? Cause, ya know, I'm going to change the locks!"

Pens

2006-04-08T22:07:00.000-07:00

[I used to pick up lots of free pens from trade show booths, so I have quite a collection now including pens that light up, pens that stand up on their own, pens shaped like the state of Texas, pens that look like a rocketship, and so on. But very few are good quality pens that I would want to carry around. So Laura was a bit surprised when I returned home from the store with an unexpected purchase of a package of pens.]

Jack: "Look, I bought some pens."
Laura: "But we already have lots of pens!"
Jack: "These are good ones."
Laura: "But we have a whole drawer full of pens! See? In fact, the museum called and asked if they could have some!"

I have to go hide

2006-04-06T17:05:00.000-07:00

[Our 4-year old Brianna was having a play date with Molly so the house was even busier than usual when Laura was talking to me on the phone...]

Laura (about to hang up): "Well, I can't be talking on the phone all day.....I have to go hide."

A good striking

2006-04-03T20:11:00.000-07:00

[Jason was sick one Saturday night so I was going to stay home with him on Sunday...]

Laura: "Looks like you get a 'Get out of church free' card tomorrow."
Jack [hoping to sleep in]: "Oh good."
Laura [thinking Jack was a little too happy]: "Uh-huh."
Jack: "I mean, uh, darn, I wish I could go...but Jason is sick."
Laura [looking up toward heaven, and inching away from Jack]: "Wait till I get over here, God, before you give him a good striking."
Jack: "A good striking? So there are degrees of being struck by God?"
Laura: "Yeah, you know, there's the regular lightning strike, and then there's the extra good striking for people like you!"

Chocolate mousse flambé

2006-03-29T10:35:00.000-08:00

Jack: "We're having a Finance committee meeting at our house tonight."
Laura: "So you'll need some snacks."
Jack: "Oh...uh...right."
Laura: "Oh boy. You should have told me. I just went shopping."
Jack: "Well, maybe you could whip up something...let's see...I think I would like chocolate mousse flambé please."
Laura: "I don't even know how to spell flambé."
Jack [teasing]: "You don't play the domestic submissive wife very well."
Laura: "I never got that memo. I think I flambé-ed it."

A Measure of Trust

2006-03-29T10:27:00.000-08:00

Jack [in a position to tickle Laura's feet but holding back]: "Don't you trust me?"
Laura: "Not as far as I can roll you."

[The usual saying is something like "I trust him about as far as I can throw him" meaning "not very far at all". But Laura could probably roll me quite a distance. So she does trust me!]

Charity starts at home

2006-03-29T10:25:00.000-08:00

[After attempting to tickle Laura...]

Laura: "Being nice starts with you."

Sounds like "Run away!"

2006-03-29T10:18:00.000-08:00

Toddlers clearly understand language before they can speak it. Our 18-month old Jason, for example, can usually understand simple commands. Whether he wants to obey those commands is a different question...

Laura: "Jason, lie down so I can change your diaper..."
Laura [chasing Jason]: "No, not 'Run away'! That sounds completely different from 'Lie down'."
Laura [still chasing Jason]: "Jason! Argh! You're making gray hairs pop out all over!"

Don't get mouthy

2006-02-15T11:51:00.000-08:00

[On Valentine's Day, I was sick and feeling cold. Usually it's Laura who is either "freezing" or "boiling hot" but this time it was my turn to exaggerate.]

Jack: "On a scale of 'Very Cold' to 'Extremely Bitterly Cold', how cold would you say it is in here?"
Laura: "Not very."
Jack: "I'm freezing....brrr."
Laura: "I'm in short sleeves and I'm fine."
Jack: "So what you're saying is that you're having hot flashes, then? How old are you now?"
Laura: "Really? You're messing with me on Valentine's Day? I can see your headstone: 'Here lies Jack. He got mouthy on Valentine's Day.'"